Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Led



Leaving brings the oddest mixture of feelings. Happiness, hope, sadness, regret, guilt and a tinge of fear. I am happy and content with what I've done and accomplished here. The experiences that I know are completely unique and remarkable will no doubt offer countless memories. I'm hopeful for the future, for moving to a new city for a new start and to put some serious effort into building an organization of ambition and facilitation. I'm sad for leaving the community that has shown me so much compassion and love and taught me countless lessons in every imaginable subject. Life changing experience doesn't even come close to quantifying it. Regret for not being able to devote more time. Or for that little voice wondering if I could've done more. Guilt is tied closely with the regret and my lack of physical things to give. Life in Jaisalmer is unquestionably rough as a Merasi. Once again, I had to learn the lesson of not acting out of anger or frustration, but watching and learning how to handle difficulty with grace and dignity. Meghan literally never let anything beat her spirit. Ever. She was certainly beat down by disease and indifferent doctors but she never ever gave up. She never lost her focus.

My heart breaks wide open for people like that. People that are so willing to welcome you into their life and be part of their struggle and show you their strength. The meaning of strength. Some people are full of spirit and drive and determination and completely deserve everything they want out of life. It's inspiring to be around and hard to leave. "If you want something bad enough the whole world conspires to help you achieve it." not like the lottery or a new car. Something out of life you were meant to achieve. Your own greatness is waiting for you. You don’t have to be a billionaire or leader of an uprising. Personal greatness in the way of doing something meaningful with your life. Significant work that you and others mutually benefit from. If you want that, if you're actively seeking that path the world, the stars, your lost loves that have passed on have your back and clearing the road before you. It's almost like your body knows the way and your mind needs convincing.

I lost sight of that at first. My focus was off. I missed the forest for the trees. Those monumental epiphanies come when you're working through a lot of things. They come when your focus expands and your ability to absorb expands and you are making an effort to be there for it all. The light switch doesn’t flip when earth-shattering realizations are your singular goal.

One of the last few nights in Jaisalmer I was standing on my rooftop, not looking at anything. Soaking up the tinny chirp of the bats and the fishbowl effect of a cloudless star filled sky. And that's when it happened. I wanted to scream, to somehow audibly relieve every ounce of anger, frustration, guilt and heartbreak. I felt like a hole opened in the center of my chest with what felt like a direct link to everything. I wasn’t looking for anything, I was just there accepting. Not searching, not asking, just wanting it to all go away and be replaced by this newness. Something fresh, and complete.

It left. I didn’t need to do anything; I knew it wouldn't matter if I did. The world won't wait for me to catch up. I have to let it go. I have to get up. I have to be able to take everything in. I have to keep moving.

I'm being led. I have a direction that I am continually and gently nudged back into. All of these huge lessons I've learned along the way have only happened because of this communication and direction. Supernatural or tangible, I know where I'm going and why and I get feedback. It doesn't stop. She's not completely gone, she's not forgotten, I haven't moved on nor do I have any intention of doing so. Meghan has altered my life so profoundly that others need to understand her impact. I have finished a giant step for her and it's made me better and stronger and I have so much left to do, so much more important work. Thank you all for bring part of this with us and offering your support because it helps. It really does. It keeps me going on those bleak and dark days. It helps knowing Meghan’s legacy can still affect me and encourage/ inspire others. Thank you so much for being a part of this. These odd feelings are equal parts confusing and comforting and thank you for helping to induce them. I'm here to help and I have much to offer in return. I hope to be there for all of you as you have for us and for me in the beginning of this incredible journey

The world is a really beautiful place when you stop focusing on singular things and let all of the surrounding parts in. I think focusing less on the difficulties of rural Indian life or the hardships I was going through mentally and emotionally allowed to me to see where Meghan is and what she means to me now. Some people think those that have passed away still communicate with us as ghosts or through seemingly random occurrences or animals. Regardless what you believe, I think they are still here with us in a big way. That communication still happens through memory, at the very least. You know this person and how they'd react. You know what they would say to you in specific situations. You know how they respond to you and through that, they still lead you.
I'm being led.

I have a direction that I am continually and gently nudged back into. All of these huge lessons I've learned along the way have only happened because of this communication and direction. Supernatural or tangible, I know where I’m going and why and I get feedback. It doesn't stop. She's not completely gone, she's not forgotten, I haven't moved on nor do I have any intention of doing so. Meghan has altered my life so profoundly that others need to understand her impact. I have finished a giant step for her and it's made me better and stronger and I have so much left to do, so much more important work. Thank you all for bring part of this with us and offering your support because it helps. It really does. It keeps me going on those bleak and dark days. It helps knowing Meghan's legacy can still affect me and encourage and inspire others. Thank you so much for being a part of this. These odd feelings are equal parts confusing and comforting and thank you for helping to induce them. I'm here to help and I have much to offer in return. I hope to be there for all of you, as you have for us and for me in the beginning of this incredible journey.

4 comments:

Nan said...

I remember before my mom died. I was looking up at those very same stars here in Michigan and thinking that here life was like one star. I can still see her light shining. Our science teacher said that "We are made of star stuff." We really are. We all are. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

Anonymous said...

Your post was beautiful. Your strength, and of course Meghan's strength is truly inspiring.

Marc said...

Adam, I found your blog via the Love + Radio story on you and Meghan.

I lost my wife, Bri in 2008 to breast cancer. She was about to turn 32.

Losing a young partner is like mourning two deaths. You must also grieve the loss of all the dreams you shared together.

I admire your quest to reconnect with life through fulfilling Meghans list. This is an amazing way to heal that wound.

Good luck on your journey.

Anonymous said...

5 years now since I got to know Meghan and I still think of her every day.

Love & best wishes to her nearest and dearest this Christmas
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