Monday, October 18, 2010

The Wall

In the last week I feel like I've hit a wall. The one made up all those painful feelings and memories of losing Meghan that's insurmountable and seemingly infinite on both sides. I've managed, off and on to turn my back on it and pretend it's not there or walk alongside it but again, avoid it. Until this past week. I've run out of ground to distract myself. It's here and it's huge and it's sad. And it makes me every bit as upset as it did five months ago. I have trouble sleeping at night, because every time I close my eyes I see the film reel of Meghan. If I'm lucky it has sound and I feel close and connected, if not I'm forced to watch from far away and I feel completely alone. Half the time I have to sleep holding a pillow or rolled up blanket.

All of this intense, heavy feeling combined with the cultural difference made me unfairly dislike India. And that is so unfair, to jumble a set of feelings into a judgment about one country. Not just one country, India. One-fifth of the worlds population. 150 different languages and thousand year old customary traditions that change as fast as the towns along the highways. India is beyond rich in life. I've been unfair.

I hated the hawking and heckling. I still do, but I think of it differently and react differently. With so much competition its hard to set yourself apart if you cant get a patron's attention. I hated the dirt and grime, but that too, I think of differently. Being dependent on tourism means a lack in infrastructure to upgrade things like sewer systems or electricity. Theres also an 'if it aint broke don't fix it mentality." India can be overwhelmingly difficult and intense. But so is Chinatown. Any Chinatown. Somehow though, I feel at ease about Jaisalmer. I'm not as frustrated, it's a slower pace of life here which can be pretty relaxing if you let it. I'm faced with these choices of how I can react to situations every day. It doesn't do me any good to react in anger, it just furthers my frustration. I feel more connected to the school and the people in it. The children are quickly responding to the English lessons and have made huge progress in their comprehension.

Back to the not sleeping. That too, I look at differently. It's not something to be sad about. Yes, what happened is incomprehensibly sad. But, I do have very vivid memories of Meghan. Some say that they can't remember facial features or voices or smells or instances after time and I still have all of that. I'm fairly confident it's not going
anywhere either. I miss her so much and I'm grateful she's still here in some capacity.

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