Monday, July 5, 2010

fire at night

It’s been exactly a year since I left DC for Michigan to be closer to Meghan. This has by far been the most trying year of our lives. Meghan had so many ups and downs. The effort she put in to being healthy and better is something I will never be able to comprehend. She so deserved to get better. I know there are other good people out there and I don’t want to lessen the impact of their lives or what they went through but Meghan really did deserve so much more. I read somewhere that we don’t necessarily mourn for the loss of someone but more the lack of future with them. I think there’s a lot of truth in that, all of the things they won’t get to do or be a part of. It’s almost too much. Going to see fireworks last year had an entirely different meaning. It was still about something coming to and end but it also meant a new beginning with someone. The one. This year it’s about a new beginning alone, but alone for someone. Its almost too much, to be alone and know you’re meant to be alone. I am completely overwhelmed. Not physically, but mentally. This is all real.... unfortunately real. I've spent the last two hours sobbing from complete sadness and partially from joy, I think. This journey is so epic and confusing for me. I feel like I don't even completely understand everything that I am doing. It's almost as if others are explaining it to me along the way. I gain clarity through engaging others about Meghan’s impact. I learn about Meghan from hearing how she affected others and what she inspired them to do. She inspires me through other people to go on. Not being able to live out our lives together will always cause pain and guilt in my heart. Somehow though, Meghan is still letting me be with her. I'll be connected to her by doing these things she wanted for herself, and for us. I get to keep her close. I still get to experience her on some level.

The joy I have is from Meghan giving me a path She pointed me in the direction I'm supposed to go. I know in the very core of my being, every last fiber, that I'm supposed to be doing these things for her. I'm not meant to be sedentary. I have to keep going. Setting out is really scary, bone shakingly terrifying to the core. This all means that it's real. I'm scared that it's real. I don't want it. I miss her more than anything. I miss the best part of who I am.

Meghan has given me this amazing chance to go to the far corners of the world and find pieces of her everywhere. To examine these situations I'll be in and look for the meaning she would apply to them. To be touched at the most basic level by the love exchanged everywhere I go will no doubt alter me. The knowledge that she and her story are actively and continually evolving others and myself to live inspired lives as better and more giving people makes this worth it.
She knew l wouldn't be ok if I stayed in one place. She meant for me to leave broken and return changed.
I fly into Vancouver on July 31 to start the cross-Canada train trip. I’d like to hang out in Vancouver with some of you and possibly talk to local media about Meghan. Help if you can and thank you for what you’ve done to become part of this all so far.


Michelle Noftall said...

Beautiful and inspiring. I take it you have not been to western Canada before - I think you will find (possibly) a lot of clarity being surrounded by the beauty and magnificence of the Rocky mountains.

KOS! (Keep On S'myelin!) said...

Stay strong and enjoy the world! I remember being numb for quite awhile after my dad passed away but it only made me enjoy life more over time! Vancouver is beautiful. The ride up to Whistler and stopping at the falls on the way is breathtaking. My brother lives there and loves to explore the surroundings.

SarahWeaver said...

The West Coast of Canada is absolutely breathtaking. I took the train across canada in May and felt real peace in Jasper. I hope you are able to stop there and enjoy it.

I have really enjoyed reading this blog and experiencing the many emotions that it evokes. Keep being so strong and thoughtful...there are many people around the world thinking about you.

LadyHayley said...

Your writing is always so moving Adam. I wish I could be there to support you in person. Meghan was and will continue to be so proud of the person that you are and continue to grow to be. There will be many times along the way I'm sure that it will be hard and heartbreaking; I have felt many times on this trip the extreme emotions you encounter in an unfamiliar place alone, but always remember the amazing network of loved ones that you have, their arms and their hearts wrapped around you pushing you forward to live and learn as much as you can. Love xxxx

stoneylake said...

I just discovered this blog and story thru a local paper. I live in Wyoming, not the state but near P-town. Not sure I've been this moved by two people I don't even know. I can't imagine the pain, sadness, happiness, loneliness, etc that you are going thru. I will be back on a regular basis to see how you are. Not sure what I can do, but I'll let everyone I know to read this.

Sherri Adams said...

I first read about "Bees Knees" in the Toronto Star, and have been following ever since. While you say in your "Fire at night" blog that you sometimes feel you don't know what you are doing....I believe you do know. Consciously and unconsciously. You are healing, and will continue to heal through your journey. Your stories have inspired followers, because of your incredible insight and determination and story of love. Safe travels Adam.

Anonymous said...

I came accross Meghan and Adam's story in the newspaper several weeks ago, and I feel somehow as though I heard about her blog before: the bee's knees. I have been profoundly touched by this story and it has affected me in ways that will continue to ripple through me for the rest of my life. You are both so beautiful and inspiring. All love, best wishes, always, Léah oxoxo

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