Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

Recently, I've gotten some new readers from all over the world. I can't thank all of you enough in Egypt and the Middle East for the huge outpouring of support.  Egypt is DEFINITELY on the travel list. I’m curious: where did you hear about our story?  Make sure you like the facebook page if you haven't already and sign up for the email subscription.

Which brings me to my next point: I’m overdue on providing on an update on my plans. I'm still working towards my education goal, but it's going to take years to complete. I'm really excited (having just taken the GRE,) to start applying to graduate programs and get the ball rolling. Meghan always loved school. She and her mom often told me, how, in high school, Meghan would get home from class in the afternoon and park herself at the dining room table until bedtime. Doing endless hours of homework in order to do well in high school and get in to a good university of her choice.   

I wish I had a similar experience in high school. I was lazy. I fought against any kind of work. I argued with my parents until they threatened to take away my prized stereo (every angsty teenager's refuge in high school). Determined to prove that homework didn't matter, I didn't cave, and my parents took the stereo away! The point is, early on in her life, Meghan saw the value of working hard for something without an immediate payoff. I knew that I wouldn't get in trouble the next day at school if I didn't do my homework, so I didn't do it. I didn't see that developing a strong work ethic and an ability to do things well, even if you find them useless or tedious, will pay off much later. Now, I realize that the sense of accomplishment you receive from achieving a long-term goal gives you confidence; confidence to try something further from your comfort zone, but with a bigger payoff. That’s why Meghan worked so hard when she was alive, and why I work hard now.

In the past two and a half years I have done ten things on Meghan's list that I never would have previously dreamed of, and some additional goals of my own. After college, I NEVER wanted to go back to school. I didn't want to do the work, so after the first degree, I checked that box on the “list of things you're supposed to do” and moved on. But I learned something along the way, especially through my travels. I love learning about human communication.  And I want to learn more. Through exploring Meghan's PhD goal, I figured out what I want to study. I've worked for and received a second bachelor's degree in Linguistics in two semesters (my first bachelor’s degree took more than five years).

As for the half-marathon, I walked (I would've run, but I hated running,) quickly in the opposite direction any time anyone mentioned running. Meghan always wanted to complete a half marathon and often made me go running with her at her family’s cottage every summer. So, it was really meaningful for me to tackle this goal right away. But as I’m learning with the road to PhD, training for a race is about consistently showing up, day after day, month after month. I trained throughout spring 2011 in order to run the 13.1 miles on Meghan’s birthday (July) at her family's cottage. Let me tell you, 13.1 miles (21.1 km for everyone else in the world that uses a logical counting system) is a long way to go by foot. But I did it. And I didn't stop. Now, I love running; I love the high I get from finishing a run, the clarity that comes on a long run, and I love how my body feels traveling long distances without any help. After Meghan's half marathon I went on to run a full marathon (26.2 miles/ 42.2km) in October 2011. For myself. It remains one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I am still working hard for Meghan's goals but also working hard for my own. One of mine is to stay ahead of my age in countries visited: I'm 31 and currently at 32 countries, with another planned for the end of the year. As I go about achieving Meghan’s goals, I definitely insert things I want to do, things I care about. Meghan would want me to pursue my interests. The point is to keep working hard. Don't seek immediate payoff, but when the payoff does come, aim higher and start all over again.

Blog Published

Hey everyone, this is kind of cool. The blog is now published on kindle through amazon. check it out: http://amzn.com/B008VSLQD8

Follow up: For the Love of Meghan

This is awesome! I had a lot of fun talking with Sara, check it out and follow her blog.

That Girl...tales from the edge: Follow up: For the Love of Meghan:

It was the part of the story we all know and love...the moment where the protagonist reaches out his hand...the girl grabs onto it...they walk away from the camera...skip...ride horseback into the sunset...but this wasn't a romantic comedy...it wasn't a fairytale. this...was...real...

I first "met" Adam via a news story. The reporter told of a young woman who was diagnosed with cancer at 27...Meghan. Meghan kept a list of goals...NOT a bucket list because "no one was dying"...things she wanted to accomplish in her life. And some of these items she was able to cross off her list...but not all. She left behind a sizable list of items she would never be able to accomplish...

Enter Adam...Meghan's husband...Adam was by Meghan's side as she fought the beast called cancer. Meghan tried to engage Adam in conversations about "what if"...Adam wanted nothing to do with it. He wasn't thinking what if because he refused to even consider the possibility...he was determined Meghan would be there....they would build their lives together...he would be by her side as she crossed those items off her list...but then reality slammed through the door. And Adam was alone...with his grief...and Meghan's list.

Adam was compelled...as a tribute to his beautiful wife, Adam stepped in where Meghan left off. Adam found it incredibly unjust Meghan, so full of life, was gone...her list abandoned...Adam decided he would work on her list...accomplishing her goals because she would not be able.

After watching the news story, I wanted to know more about Adam. I was unsure why but he intrigued me. Perhaps, I was more curious about where he was at with this journey when I realized it has been two years since the story first ran. So, I started reading his posts on Meghan's blog. Some were just photos, some were a couple lines. And then, there was a post that took my breath away. Adam talked about grief...his grief...and the only way through it is to allow grief space...and to keep moving forward...and to be willing to accept help. Adam mentions how easy it is to shut yourself off from everyone and everything around you...to become engulfed...and the need to step outside of your comfort zone to find whatever it is that will help you continue moving forward. For Adam, it meant facing his preconceptions and  being willing to seek out a therapist. The therapist was able to help Adam hold a mirror up to himself, to deal with the guilt of Meghan's death, to find himself and learn to trust himself. I commented on this post...I truly connected to Adam and what he was describing, the choices he was making...and Adam wrote back.

Adam and I started emailing back and forth...one of the questions I wondered about was where Adam was in all of this...it is Meghan's list he is working to complete...so where does Adam fit in? When Adam started working on the goals, he wanted to honor Meghan by completing her list and perhaps keep her spirit alive...to feel her presence even though she was gone...a way to learn even more about Meghan as he sought to understand why these goals were important to her, what she was trying to learn by accomplishing them. As Adam journeyed to far away places, he felt Meghan...he envisioned how she would feel if she were with him, what her reactions would be. And, over time, Adam started to see...he realized why these goals were so important to Meghan...he felt the challenge of stepping into new cultures, completely foreign to him...he saw the personal growth that comes with learning to commit to a task...working hard towards accomplishing a goal...sometimes, tasting failure...but to just keep going. The focus and purpose of the list, mixed with the sense of living life to its fullest...and Adam realized this list was truly becoming his own.

In talking with Adam, it is seemingly impossible not to like him. He is a man on a mission to live life...to accomplish some hefty goals...and, yet, he has a more subtle message as well. Meghan is at the forefront of everything he is striving to do...as he graduates with his bachelor's in Linguistics and makes plans to start working on his Masters (a PhD as the end goal)...as he plans to skate the Rideau Canal...a trip to Ireland...and as I read the early posts, the other articles, watch the other news stories, I learn about who Meghan was...a young girl who was loving life and had her world turned upside down by cancer. Yet, instead of hiding away, she put herself out into the world...to help others...to teach others...she shared her treatments, her ups and downs, photos of her surgeries, shaving her head...and, in many of the photos, many of the stories, there is Adam.

Within Meghan's story is the story of Adam...Adam's life was also turned upside down...and Adam continues to share his journey as he navigates through the what ifs he never wanted to face. Adam shares the emotions and heartache of realizing life doesn't always end up how we envision it...he shares as he navigates through painful emotions...and making important choices. Choices to continue placing one foot in front of the other...to learn how to work through the emotions, instead of pretending they aren't there or trying to outrun them. Adam continues to share his story as part of Meghan's mission...but it is really a reflection of Adam.

At the heart of Adam's story is his desire to help others. Adam wants to reach other people...because, at some point, we will all have our lives turned upside down...and we will face similar choices: to pick ourselves up and learn how to truly live life to its fullest or to let ourselves be overcome and give up. Adam wants to share his experiences to show others there is value in being true to who you are...there is value in finding yourself...because in the midst of life's challenges, both triumphs and failures, there is an opportunity to be the best you. There is no shame in being open and honest about your struggles, in fact, the ability to admit where you are at is often the moment you are able to recognize your own strength. There is a life made sweeter and richer by giving space to the hardship...Adam uses his regrets as markers for future situations, he doesn't let them put a halt to the journey. Adam uses Meghan's list as a trajectory for his life...as he accomplishes one goal, he sets another...consistently getting bigger and bigger. He is proud of what he has learned and accomplished and he credits Meghan's example...he wants others to find the strength to live life harder and never stop...keep pushing, keep living...don't  ever stop...push yourself to do more with what you have...be open to seeing love all the way through.

During Adam's journey in India, his friend talked about how Meghan passed her goals onto him and not anyone else in her circle because Adam needed the path and the path is Ali Baba's key to the hidden treasure. At first, I was as uncertain as Adam about what exactly it meant...but as I sought to understand who Meghan was...who Adam is...and learn the message intertwined in both their journeys, I realized how true this statement is...and how thankful I am my path has crossed Adam's.

Follow Adam on his journey:
Blog For the Love of Meghan
Twitter @LoveOfMeg
Facebook For the love of Meghan

If you'd like to support Adam on completing Meghan's list, there is a donation button on the blog 

knot

I started a week ago driving from Detroit to Meghan’s cottage in Tobermory, Ontario. Its without a doubt not getting any easier the further I get from Meghan. The cottage is absolutely her favorite place on earth. It’s where she went to recoup and relax, to sort things out and to spend time with family. We spent every one of her birthdays there as long as I knew her and I’m fairly certain, every single one before I knew her. It was also where we were going to have our big wedding ceremony and reception. I knew what I was getting myself in to by going up there, but I also knew the pain would be slightly buffered by having our close friends with her family and mine this past week. None of this is getting any easier.

We spent the weekend doing things Meghan would’ve wanted to, playing board games, canoeing, drinking and talking. Saturday was the hardest. That was supposed to be the day of our ceremony. I spent as much energy as I could trying to keep my mind occupied and not think about it. I can’t decide what hurts more, to avoid thinking about something you know is there or to fully accept it for what it’s supposed to be. To pretend that everything is normal and that Saturday didn’t mean anything because it’s just another Saturday, or to take it head on. Go and sit under the tree where Meghan kept her hammock and where the ceremony was going to be. Let my imagination go and think about how she would’ve looked or how the day would’ve gone. I chose the former although im not convinced it was the wisest choice.

We went into town and wandered around for a bit, took pictures and in general tried to enjoy ourselves. We went to the lighthouse and saw a couple taking wedding pictures with all of their friends dressed up and milling around. That was pretty hard to see. Being jealous of people’s happiness is a strange thing to go through. It felt unfair. It still feels unfair that Meghan never got to be that girl having her picture taken in her amazing dress. I hate that I couldn’t make that happen for her somehow.

For me the trip took a nose-dive after that. It was so much fun and so great to have our friends there, but I couldn’t get over why we were there and what that week was supposed to mean. Everything hurt. Everything I do reminds me of, or makes me think about Meghan. I miss her so much. I want so badly to feel her next to me or just to hold my hand. I would give an appendage or any possession just to know and feel that she is still here in some capacity with me. So many friends and family have these experiences where they’re convinced the animal or butterfly or star is Meghan signaling to them that she’s still here, still a part of all of this. I would literally give anything for that. Just to feel and know in my heart that tie isn’t broken because
she isn’t physically here anymore. Anything. I don’t want to lose her or forget the small things about her that no one else knows. I want to stay attached. I want a deer to walk out of the woods and put something in my hand or for once in my life have a dream that I remember or one that has meaning where Meghan tells me something important. I’d love to believe in any and all of this. I’ve looked for reasons to believe this, but nothing happens ever. I still sleep poorly. I don’t have dreams that I remember. I don’t have amazing encounters with wildlife or nature or people. Everything continues as it was. I waiver between being depressed and trying to pretend that I’m fine and don’t feel anything.

All of the friends left late Sunday and I spent the rest of my time doing things alone. I went for a really great hike that I did two years before with Meghan and her family to a secluded swimming spot. It was definitely refreshing mentally and not altogether sad. Its hard coming to terms with being alone. Its like these things we used to do are somewhat nice but don’t really bring me any closure or closer. I have to move forward and move on to come to any sort of
rationalization of everything that happened. If I stay where I am, or where I was, Ill never be able to deal with it all.

I left the day before Meghan’s birthday mostly because I was scared to be at the cottage for it. I knew I couldn’t handle her not being there, not waking me up in the morning to play scrabble with her or giving her presents or having her grandmother sing her happy birthday. That’s been the hardest part, the things that should be. The big and the small that Meghan should still be here for. We spent her birthday doing things that she liked to do around St. Catharine's; exercising, drinking gin 'n tonics, hiking, Japanese food, her favorite pub and then going to bed early. It was somehow easier to not be sad there. The place was still full of memories of and with her, but this was easier than the cottage. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is.


I left the following morning to drive to New Jersey to pick up a friend and then head down to my home in DC. I felt like a character in a Kerouac book. A seemingly random long list of events and people that blur together and never lose speed. It just keeps going. This is endless. The world keeps going. It never slows down because of how sad you are or how awful something that happened to you is. You don’t get breaks. You can’t rest. Fighting the current only makes you want to give up, it makes it all seem hopeless and worthless. You have jump in headfirst and without a paddle. I think Meghan understood this and that’s what kept her going. She knew slowing down, stopping, or wallowing in despair would only wear her out and keep her from her
goals. She didn’t stop because she knew going against the grain was worthless in this respect. It's important to embrace these seemingly impossible things in life. It's important to set your sights well beyond what you think you’re capable of accomplishing. Achieve a goal and make the next step twice as big as the first. Don’t save any energy for the return trip. There might not be one.

fire at night

It’s been exactly a year since I left DC for Michigan to be closer to Meghan. This has by far been the most trying year of our lives. Meghan had so many ups and downs. The effort she put in to being healthy and better is something I will never be able to comprehend. She so deserved to get better. I know there are other good people out there and I don’t want to lessen the impact of their lives or what they went through but Meghan really did deserve so much more. I read somewhere that we don’t necessarily mourn for the loss of someone but more the lack of future with them. I think there’s a lot of truth in that, all of the things they won’t get to do or be a part of. It’s almost too much. Going to see fireworks last year had an entirely different meaning. It was still about something coming to and end but it also meant a new beginning with someone. The one. This year it’s about a new beginning alone, but alone for someone. Its almost too much, to be alone and know you’re meant to be alone. I am completely overwhelmed. Not physically, but mentally. This is all real.... unfortunately real. I've spent the last two hours sobbing from complete sadness and partially from joy, I think. This journey is so epic and confusing for me. I feel like I don't even completely understand everything that I am doing. It's almost as if others are explaining it to me along the way. I gain clarity through engaging others about Meghan’s impact. I learn about Meghan from hearing how she affected others and what she inspired them to do. She inspires me through other people to go on. Not being able to live out our lives together will always cause pain and guilt in my heart. Somehow though, Meghan is still letting me be with her. I'll be connected to her by doing these things she wanted for herself, and for us. I get to keep her close. I still get to experience her on some level.

The joy I have is from Meghan giving me a path She pointed me in the direction I'm supposed to go. I know in the very core of my being, every last fiber, that I'm supposed to be doing these things for her. I'm not meant to be sedentary. I have to keep going. Setting out is really scary, bone shakingly terrifying to the core. This all means that it's real. I'm scared that it's real. I don't want it. I miss her more than anything. I miss the best part of who I am.

Meghan has given me this amazing chance to go to the far corners of the world and find pieces of her everywhere. To examine these situations I'll be in and look for the meaning she would apply to them. To be touched at the most basic level by the love exchanged everywhere I go will no doubt alter me. The knowledge that she and her story are actively and continually evolving others and myself to live inspired lives as better and more giving people makes this worth it.
She knew l wouldn't be ok if I stayed in one place. She meant for me to leave broken and return changed.
I fly into Vancouver on July 31 to start the cross-Canada train trip. I’d like to hang out in Vancouver with some of you and possibly talk to local media about Meghan. Help if you can and thank you for what you’ve done to become part of this all so far.

Feedback

I really want to make sure that everyone feels involved in all of this. If I don’t know you already I would like to meet you at some point. I think everyone has a story to tell and there own reasons why Meghan affected them the way she did.
The way she dealt handled extreme difficulty, (seriously understating it) with grace, dignity and complete and raw honesty will forever change the way I handle things in my own life.

We are compiling this information to put together an article in the Toronto Star. I want to hear from you. I want to hear how she changed you, made you feel comfort or simply altered the way you think about disease.
Please, post comments, with your full name underneath. Email me at fortheloveofmeghan@gmail.com or Fabiola at fcarletti@thestar.ca

All of you are involved in one way or another and I appreciate the simple fact that you read Meghan’s words. Today is the longest day of the year; there is plenty of time today to do something impactful for others.

work hard, be smart

The Current city is Chicago, which is great and different. You can bring your own beer to restaurants and your own food to bars. It’s bizarre and wonderful. Again, the notion of progress is at the front of my mind. Everyone has a different definition of that word and up until recently mine was a decision followed by immediate action. A complete lack of planning with everything depending on the process and the outcome was often not what I had hoped for.

Setbacks are surprisingly common with a lack of planning. For some reason I’ve been watching travel and adventure documentaries non-stop over the last two days (fine, I realize that link is pretty transparent and obvious,) and the lesson, the point, the rule that I keep coming to is that nothing of value comes to you easily or quickly. The culture I grew up in was one of trying to get as much as fast and as easily as possible. Work smart not hard.

It’s almost anti-human in a way. You spend your entire day sitting, often doing intangible work for pay that you never actually see. Everything is done via wire. Don’t get me wrong; I love technology, LOVE IT. I foam at the mouth every time Apple makes something new that promises to make me a better person. But I think I’ve lost the plot.

I’ve been missing out on a lot of learning because of a serious lack of exertion. Meghan completely understood the meaning of hard work. She understood what one gains from the amount of effort put in to something you don’t necessarily care about. The process is completely important. The struggle is where you find meaning and truth. Not the finish. Meghan never had a problem throwing herself into something that was difficult. She wouldn’t bat an eyelash at work. Real work. Real effort. Her mother told me about the time when she decided to go to University. She would come home from High School and spend the rest of the day at the dining room table pouring over textbooks to ensure her entry to the school of her choice. I spent high school taking naps and barbequing. Meghan graduated in four years from a difficult program at a great school. It took me six years, two schools and three different majors. I didn’t know what I wanted to do because I didn’t do any groundwork. And I get that now.

I’m becoming more comfortable making plans that are three months, six months and even a year out that I’m going to stick to and not waiver. I understand there is progress in a simple conversation with the founder and director of the Merasi School in India. I’m not leaving tomorrow or next week but I know that just talking to her and having a connection means something. Making a budget is progress. Running three times a week is progress. Talking to people about Meghan is progress. Knowing that Meghan would be happy with my progress is progress. Continually learning from Meghan is progress. Thank you, Meghan, for being the biggest and best part of my life. I will be eternally grateful for all of the lessons and the life to come.

Further proof that Meghan was dedicated to her work; this past saturday, June 12, 2010, Meghan was awarded the Personal Support Worker Certificate posthumously for the program she was enrolled in last winter. There was never a question she would have finished at the top of her class. As her father walked across the stage to accept her certificate, Mr. Baker and Meghan were met with thunderous applause from the thousands in the arena.