Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

Recently, I've gotten some new readers from all over the world. I can't thank all of you enough in Egypt and the Middle East for the huge outpouring of support.  Egypt is DEFINITELY on the travel list. I’m curious: where did you hear about our story?  Make sure you like the facebook page if you haven't already and sign up for the email subscription.

Which brings me to my next point: I’m overdue on providing on an update on my plans. I'm still working towards my education goal, but it's going to take years to complete. I'm really excited (having just taken the GRE,) to start applying to graduate programs and get the ball rolling. Meghan always loved school. She and her mom often told me, how, in high school, Meghan would get home from class in the afternoon and park herself at the dining room table until bedtime. Doing endless hours of homework in order to do well in high school and get in to a good university of her choice.   

I wish I had a similar experience in high school. I was lazy. I fought against any kind of work. I argued with my parents until they threatened to take away my prized stereo (every angsty teenager's refuge in high school). Determined to prove that homework didn't matter, I didn't cave, and my parents took the stereo away! The point is, early on in her life, Meghan saw the value of working hard for something without an immediate payoff. I knew that I wouldn't get in trouble the next day at school if I didn't do my homework, so I didn't do it. I didn't see that developing a strong work ethic and an ability to do things well, even if you find them useless or tedious, will pay off much later. Now, I realize that the sense of accomplishment you receive from achieving a long-term goal gives you confidence; confidence to try something further from your comfort zone, but with a bigger payoff. That’s why Meghan worked so hard when she was alive, and why I work hard now.

In the past two and a half years I have done ten things on Meghan's list that I never would have previously dreamed of, and some additional goals of my own. After college, I NEVER wanted to go back to school. I didn't want to do the work, so after the first degree, I checked that box on the “list of things you're supposed to do” and moved on. But I learned something along the way, especially through my travels. I love learning about human communication.  And I want to learn more. Through exploring Meghan's PhD goal, I figured out what I want to study. I've worked for and received a second bachelor's degree in Linguistics in two semesters (my first bachelor’s degree took more than five years).

As for the half-marathon, I walked (I would've run, but I hated running,) quickly in the opposite direction any time anyone mentioned running. Meghan always wanted to complete a half marathon and often made me go running with her at her family’s cottage every summer. So, it was really meaningful for me to tackle this goal right away. But as I’m learning with the road to PhD, training for a race is about consistently showing up, day after day, month after month. I trained throughout spring 2011 in order to run the 13.1 miles on Meghan’s birthday (July) at her family's cottage. Let me tell you, 13.1 miles (21.1 km for everyone else in the world that uses a logical counting system) is a long way to go by foot. But I did it. And I didn't stop. Now, I love running; I love the high I get from finishing a run, the clarity that comes on a long run, and I love how my body feels traveling long distances without any help. After Meghan's half marathon I went on to run a full marathon (26.2 miles/ 42.2km) in October 2011. For myself. It remains one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I am still working hard for Meghan's goals but also working hard for my own. One of mine is to stay ahead of my age in countries visited: I'm 31 and currently at 32 countries, with another planned for the end of the year. As I go about achieving Meghan’s goals, I definitely insert things I want to do, things I care about. Meghan would want me to pursue my interests. The point is to keep working hard. Don't seek immediate payoff, but when the payoff does come, aim higher and start all over again.

knot

I started a week ago driving from Detroit to Meghan’s cottage in Tobermory, Ontario. Its without a doubt not getting any easier the further I get from Meghan. The cottage is absolutely her favorite place on earth. It’s where she went to recoup and relax, to sort things out and to spend time with family. We spent every one of her birthdays there as long as I knew her and I’m fairly certain, every single one before I knew her. It was also where we were going to have our big wedding ceremony and reception. I knew what I was getting myself in to by going up there, but I also knew the pain would be slightly buffered by having our close friends with her family and mine this past week. None of this is getting any easier.

We spent the weekend doing things Meghan would’ve wanted to, playing board games, canoeing, drinking and talking. Saturday was the hardest. That was supposed to be the day of our ceremony. I spent as much energy as I could trying to keep my mind occupied and not think about it. I can’t decide what hurts more, to avoid thinking about something you know is there or to fully accept it for what it’s supposed to be. To pretend that everything is normal and that Saturday didn’t mean anything because it’s just another Saturday, or to take it head on. Go and sit under the tree where Meghan kept her hammock and where the ceremony was going to be. Let my imagination go and think about how she would’ve looked or how the day would’ve gone. I chose the former although im not convinced it was the wisest choice.

We went into town and wandered around for a bit, took pictures and in general tried to enjoy ourselves. We went to the lighthouse and saw a couple taking wedding pictures with all of their friends dressed up and milling around. That was pretty hard to see. Being jealous of people’s happiness is a strange thing to go through. It felt unfair. It still feels unfair that Meghan never got to be that girl having her picture taken in her amazing dress. I hate that I couldn’t make that happen for her somehow.

For me the trip took a nose-dive after that. It was so much fun and so great to have our friends there, but I couldn’t get over why we were there and what that week was supposed to mean. Everything hurt. Everything I do reminds me of, or makes me think about Meghan. I miss her so much. I want so badly to feel her next to me or just to hold my hand. I would give an appendage or any possession just to know and feel that she is still here in some capacity with me. So many friends and family have these experiences where they’re convinced the animal or butterfly or star is Meghan signaling to them that she’s still here, still a part of all of this. I would literally give anything for that. Just to feel and know in my heart that tie isn’t broken because
she isn’t physically here anymore. Anything. I don’t want to lose her or forget the small things about her that no one else knows. I want to stay attached. I want a deer to walk out of the woods and put something in my hand or for once in my life have a dream that I remember or one that has meaning where Meghan tells me something important. I’d love to believe in any and all of this. I’ve looked for reasons to believe this, but nothing happens ever. I still sleep poorly. I don’t have dreams that I remember. I don’t have amazing encounters with wildlife or nature or people. Everything continues as it was. I waiver between being depressed and trying to pretend that I’m fine and don’t feel anything.

All of the friends left late Sunday and I spent the rest of my time doing things alone. I went for a really great hike that I did two years before with Meghan and her family to a secluded swimming spot. It was definitely refreshing mentally and not altogether sad. Its hard coming to terms with being alone. Its like these things we used to do are somewhat nice but don’t really bring me any closure or closer. I have to move forward and move on to come to any sort of
rationalization of everything that happened. If I stay where I am, or where I was, Ill never be able to deal with it all.

I left the day before Meghan’s birthday mostly because I was scared to be at the cottage for it. I knew I couldn’t handle her not being there, not waking me up in the morning to play scrabble with her or giving her presents or having her grandmother sing her happy birthday. That’s been the hardest part, the things that should be. The big and the small that Meghan should still be here for. We spent her birthday doing things that she liked to do around St. Catharine's; exercising, drinking gin 'n tonics, hiking, Japanese food, her favorite pub and then going to bed early. It was somehow easier to not be sad there. The place was still full of memories of and with her, but this was easier than the cottage. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is.


I left the following morning to drive to New Jersey to pick up a friend and then head down to my home in DC. I felt like a character in a Kerouac book. A seemingly random long list of events and people that blur together and never lose speed. It just keeps going. This is endless. The world keeps going. It never slows down because of how sad you are or how awful something that happened to you is. You don’t get breaks. You can’t rest. Fighting the current only makes you want to give up, it makes it all seem hopeless and worthless. You have jump in headfirst and without a paddle. I think Meghan understood this and that’s what kept her going. She knew slowing down, stopping, or wallowing in despair would only wear her out and keep her from her
goals. She didn’t stop because she knew going against the grain was worthless in this respect. It's important to embrace these seemingly impossible things in life. It's important to set your sights well beyond what you think you’re capable of accomplishing. Achieve a goal and make the next step twice as big as the first. Don’t save any energy for the return trip. There might not be one.