work hard, be smart

The Current city is Chicago, which is great and different. You can bring your own beer to restaurants and your own food to bars. It’s bizarre and wonderful. Again, the notion of progress is at the front of my mind. Everyone has a different definition of that word and up until recently mine was a decision followed by immediate action. A complete lack of planning with everything depending on the process and the outcome was often not what I had hoped for.

Setbacks are surprisingly common with a lack of planning. For some reason I’ve been watching travel and adventure documentaries non-stop over the last two days (fine, I realize that link is pretty transparent and obvious,) and the lesson, the point, the rule that I keep coming to is that nothing of value comes to you easily or quickly. The culture I grew up in was one of trying to get as much as fast and as easily as possible. Work smart not hard.

It’s almost anti-human in a way. You spend your entire day sitting, often doing intangible work for pay that you never actually see. Everything is done via wire. Don’t get me wrong; I love technology, LOVE IT. I foam at the mouth every time Apple makes something new that promises to make me a better person. But I think I’ve lost the plot.

I’ve been missing out on a lot of learning because of a serious lack of exertion. Meghan completely understood the meaning of hard work. She understood what one gains from the amount of effort put in to something you don’t necessarily care about. The process is completely important. The struggle is where you find meaning and truth. Not the finish. Meghan never had a problem throwing herself into something that was difficult. She wouldn’t bat an eyelash at work. Real work. Real effort. Her mother told me about the time when she decided to go to University. She would come home from High School and spend the rest of the day at the dining room table pouring over textbooks to ensure her entry to the school of her choice. I spent high school taking naps and barbequing. Meghan graduated in four years from a difficult program at a great school. It took me six years, two schools and three different majors. I didn’t know what I wanted to do because I didn’t do any groundwork. And I get that now.

I’m becoming more comfortable making plans that are three months, six months and even a year out that I’m going to stick to and not waiver. I understand there is progress in a simple conversation with the founder and director of the Merasi School in India. I’m not leaving tomorrow or next week but I know that just talking to her and having a connection means something. Making a budget is progress. Running three times a week is progress. Talking to people about Meghan is progress. Knowing that Meghan would be happy with my progress is progress. Continually learning from Meghan is progress. Thank you, Meghan, for being the biggest and best part of my life. I will be eternally grateful for all of the lessons and the life to come.

Further proof that Meghan was dedicated to her work; this past saturday, June 12, 2010, Meghan was awarded the Personal Support Worker Certificate posthumously for the program she was enrolled in last winter. There was never a question she would have finished at the top of her class. As her father walked across the stage to accept her certificate, Mr. Baker and Meghan were met with thunderous applause from the thousands in the arena.

Worry Not

I’m having a lot of trouble slowing down or not doing anything. I don't like not having plans and things to look forward to. I don't like being sedentary; I don't like having to wait. I think I'm scared of being alone with my thoughts and having too much time to sit and think about everything. I’m pretty scared of what's in my head and I think I try to distract myself as much as possible from it. June and July are scary for that reason. I don't really have that much going on in either. I have a lot of waiting to do and a lot of alone time coming up. I’m not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I’m not sure if its good for me to sit, just sit, and think and let all of these memories and thoughts come. I don't really dream so its not Iike my subconscious is processing anything at night. I’m scared to sort things out, knowing that I'm sorting things out. I don't want to process Meghan. I don't want to lose any of it or move on or leave parts of her behind. I’m ok with talking about her, I don't get choked up or overly sad when I talk about who she is to me and what happened to her. I’m ok with that. I just get upset at the notion of forgetting. I don't have an outlet anymore.

She was my subconscious. She was how I worked through everything every day. She was that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm an idiot for wasting money on really dumb things (anything with flashing lights or buttons.) She was the first person I went to when trying to make nearly every decision. It feels like half of my thought process is missing. Like we finished the puzzle together. THE puzzle. Now half of that puzzle with it's crazy intricate pieces that could only fit in exactly one way is gone. I can’t redo that puzzle. I cant push other pieces in its place or make them fit. Even if I could I don’t want to.
Honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make myself better. Half of the time I don't want to be better. I know she would handle this a lot better. We all know how strong she could be. She would be there for other people and make sure they’re taken care of. She would be the last person she’d worry about.

Maybe this is my subconscious working. Maybe I know without knowing? Not ten minutes after she passed away I knew I had to finish her goals. And I think I knew that not so much because they were her goals but because of what they were. Almost all of them are altruistic. She knew that. She knew that there is a lot of personal gain in serving others. She knew that there's a lot of time, alone time, on a train across Canada. She knew there is a lot of love and support exchanged equally from doing things with her friends. She knew there is much wisdom to be gained through reading and teaching one's self new things. All of these goals, things, and steps along the way are keeping her memory alive and helping me to process the loss of her.



a friend wrote this in response to my editing request which I thought was especially helpful and real and honest:

Of course this makes sense! It's hard not to feel like you're repeating yourself when your mind is constantly on.... on replay, re-do, reject... rewind. There's this sense of undo... to allow yourself unwind, but the fear that that will take place in the most literal sense. That sense that if you do finally stop, even if for a second, you will just come undone.
The momentum of this project and the idea of pressing on with what would make Meghan proud is an extreme momentum. But like anything else in the world, there is no constant forward. There is always a lull ans always a moment of reflection and doubt to wade through, to get to the next froward step. You are making great strides, both in this project and in your personal grief. I'm sure Meghan is seeing you in the same light she always has and I'm sure she's impressed. How could she not be? Sure, she may have handled the flip side of all of this differently, but she has given you such vision that this is not something you would have thought of doing if it weren't for her. You can't blame yourself for not responding to all of this the way she would have. You are YOU and that's why she loves you. I know it isn't much comfort, but this IS a really epic way of handling your loss and the LAST thing it will do is push her memory further away. If anything it keeps her closer to you than your own skin. You seem to have a better grip on what her mindset would be than your own. It's terrifying, the idea of "letting go", like to do so would force you to feel all this all over again. When we allow ourselves to fall so deep in love, it's hard to see anything else. When it goes, it's much like losing limbs, your heart and having a stroke all within a painfully real dream. There's a fuzzy quality to it all, no matter how bad it hurts or how bitter it tastes.
It's ok to have things to run to, as long as you ensure that you're not running away. I know the idea of being still causes a lot of anxiety, like there's a wave the size of a skyscraper waiting to crush you as soon as you stop. The talking is the easy part. You say the words so many times they start to feel scripted, like someone else wrote it and you're just here to recite it..... hackneyed, over-used and distant. Most of the time I can talk about my step-dad without crying, in fact, I laugh a lot and have almost always been able to. There's something about telling the story, sharing that makes it bearable. Like if you say it over and over than the whole experience loses power. I think that a lot of the mourning we go through is mourning the future and all the plans we had. That stuff is so big and border-less it's hard not to miss it, even if we never had it to begin with. This is why we set ourselves up to look forward to new things. Trips, plans, projects.... it helps us see a new future. It's fine to do these things, as long as you know that they are only band-aids for the grief that will still come in the quietest hours.
You dream whether you know it or not. But your mind is quick to smooth away the things you have told it you're not ready for. You don't have to let her go, ever. No one would ever ask that of you. Don't be scared of what you might hear or feel when you're alone. Although, you need to be able to remind yourself that the darkest things you feel are not nearly as heavy as the weight of what Meghan means to you and how this project will keep her as big and as bright as she's always been. It's only in the darkest nights that the brightest lights can be seen.
THE puzzle. You have to remember that we don't always know what the puzzle is until it's finished. Meghan is a huge portion of your puzzle, but not the only portion of it. Nothing else is MEANT to fill that space. There's a whole other side that waits to be finished and everything you're doing is going to help you find the rest. There are so many places to go and people to meet and people to help. There are drinks and laughter, too. You said before that you thought your relationship with Meghan was mostly to your benefit and maybe this is all just another way for her to help you. Sometimes people help us feel stronger, more complete and safe. Like we'd never met ourselves before and like we couldn't go on without them. But sometimes, they come into our lives to help us see that we'd been that strong, complete and safe all along. They help us see life for the beauty that it is, even if it seems like the shine has worn off a bit once they've gone.
I wish I could streamline this for you. Make it easier or clearer. But it seems to me that Meghan would remind you that there is a lesson in all of this. I know it all weighs a million pounds even if the whole experience if full of holes. So lift what you can and remind yourself that the higher you lift it, the more all the excess will pour through it like a sieve. I know you don't want to get through it sometimes and that's because in all of this, your grief is your own. There are a lot of things on your future, some things you can control and a lot you can't. So let it come. Let pass through you too. The less resistance you have, the more easily it starts to make sense. The worst has already happened, there's nothing else to fear.

Travel Budget

lemme know if this looks ok, if you have ideas for it, if something doesn't look right or if you want the excel file to change it all around! I want your input! this is very, very, very rough draft

Update

The big update for today is the list of all the things we've accomplished in the past 6 weeks. It amazes me to see a community continue to come together and grow because they believe so strongly in who Meghan was and what she stood for.

In the last six weeks we've:

-Grown by 50% as a community.
-We have a press release that has been sent out to news agencies worldwide.
-This week we will have a website up to use as a central location.
-We're building a Wikipedia page.
-Enhanced our social-media experience.
-Been interviewed by several worldwide publications.
-Sold out completely of our promotional material.
-Raised over $6000 to complete Meghan's goals and raised an
accompanying $6000+ for cancer advocacy groups (Kelly shires
foundations, Susan G. Komen etc.)

And the really exciting stuff:

-We are going to be filming a documentary about Meghan's life and me
finishing her goals.
-I've finished one of the twelve books I have to read this year.
-Joanna and I went hiking in Short Hills this past week, which I apparently forgot to add to Meghan's list of goals.(pictures at the bottom)
-I am about 1/4 the way to running a 5k, which is 1/4 the way to running a half marathon...that one is definitely still in progress but I've been running every other day.
-The baseball game and Canada's wonderland are happening later this summer.
-In August I'll be taking the train across Canada.
-AAAND Im going to India this September to kick off my volunteer trip. I'll be in Rajasthan, India working at the Merasi school for 3 months. (www.merasischool.org)

I feel like I've forgotten a lot of things, I guess that's what the comment section is for, right?



This is the part where I want to extend a huge thanks to all of you. Thank you for recognizing Meghan as the light she continues to be. Thank you for feeling something from her honest words. Thank you for being affected by her hope. Press on knowing that you are part of something much bigger than all of us. The sum of our parts will add up to be more than any of us could have imagined. Continue to talk about Meghan, tell her story and convey why she means what she does to all
of us in different ways.

DC

DC was a different kind of fear altogether. I was scared to go to all those places that Meghan and I had been together. I was scared of how it would feel to be somewhere that both of us considered home. There were so, so many things that she and I did and had to do every time we visited. Traditions. I was scared to see all of our friends and of how I would feel not having Meghan next to me, scared of what it would be like to not be Meghan and Adam anymore. Just Adam.
I think it's safe to say we're all afraid to be alone. And I'm definitely one of the lucky ones to have found what I had. Meghan made me feel whole. She taught me a lot about being strong for yourself and by yourself. I know I'll be ok because of her. I know I'll make something out of all of this. I know all of us will. It means so much to Meghan's parents, friends and myself to hear how she affected and is still affecting others in such a significant way.
We have made progress and a substantial amount at that. It's because of you, because of what Meghan means to you. DC was progress because it was sad, it was hard, and it was fun.

Meghan doesn't want me to be afraid to go home. She wants me to face my fears, she wants me to deal with difficult things head on. She wants me to go into our old haunts, hug friends and know they want to help and help me get better. They miss her just as much as I do. No one grows staying at home being depressed. She constantly pushed me to be better, to be more, to be inspired and I felt that going back home to DC. I felt her there telling me this is helping, through hurting.
- Adam

New York.

I was really excited to get to New York. It felt entirely different than any of the last times I visited. It felt like the start of my journey, like the start of all of these important goals that I have to finish for Meghan. I didn't at all feel ready for any of it.
When I took my first opportunity to talk about Meghan, or what I am doing because of her, I got choked up and scared. I encountered a problem I was unprepared for. Being scared to talk about Meghan. It's scary admitting to people, yourself, and the world that your wife is gone.
I didn't want any of it to be real. I didn't want to be traveling because of Meghan, I didn't want to be trying to finish her goals, deciding how many countries to go to alone, which places to volunteer at, which places it was ok to have fun in. I didn't want to be doing anything without her.
I forced myself to talk to a stranger at the bar that night about the the trip and I remember seeing pity in his eyes. It was an awful feeling knowing he was looking at me like I was one of "those" people. I was forced into this club of people who have felt tragedy. I am now one of those people that is referred to as 'poor' before my name in conversation. I don't want that. I want no part of it. Partly because it means that Meghan isn't with me anymore and partly because I hate pity. Meghan disliked people apologizing for what she was going through.
It's ok to empathize with her. It's ok to feel bad for her and her family. But please don't let that horrible incident define us. It is absolutely not what defined Meghan. Her cancer was the least important part of her life. How she lived it is what's important. Meghan dying is not what defines me. It is our life together thats more important, it's who she made me and how I am living now because of her influence.
New York is where it was decided that I would narrow down the volunteer project to five countries. Five, because Meghan wanted to live in five different countries. Each segment will last roughly three months and in between volunteer destinations I'll be visiting the countries in between to get to the twenty-three countries Meghan had left to visit.
New York was an eye-opener. I had no idea what I was in for. Being alone is scary, talking about why you're alone is scary. Trying to convince people to not feel bad for you and believe in what you're doing is scary. This is a lot bigger of a deal than I thought and I continue to find strength knowing it is what Meghan would have wanted.









- Adam

Live On The Top

When Meghan was re-diagnosed earlier this year, her nurse told her something that I think is a great way of dealing with difficult subjects. She said "We know you have cancer. We know what it will ultimately do to you.  We know it's there and we're going to put it in the closet and move on. Its not going anywhere but its not doing anyone any good dwelling on it. Continue living as much and as well as you can and we'll deal with things as they come"
 
Being sad is the same way. Just being sad is nothing close to what Meghan went through but it still has negative effects on your outlook and day to day life. There are plenty of days I don't want to get out bed or get dressed or go see people and so on. We know the sadness is there. I know it will always be part of my life to feel horrible for not having Meghan here but being sad doesn't accomplish things. We have to put the sadness
somewhere else, know it's there but not let it have any control. Deal with it when it comes but know you will keep going.
 
Every time Meghan got negative feedback about her condition, I felt like I was being pummeled by a giant with a lead pipe. I know it was worse for Meghan. Somehow though, and you all know this too, she found a way to get back up and keep moving forward. She felt that what she was dealing with was important enough to share and document and she never let that depression beat her. Ever. She spent a lot of her time and effort making others feel better about what she was going through because she was incredibly strong, and wanted to show others that dealing with cancer in a positive way is completely possible.  She injected that spirit into so many of us and her words won't stop helping and inspiring others as long as I'm around.  
 
Meghan's legacy is one of hope, strength, battle, independence and will-power in the most pure and intense form I've yet seen. She had the worst luck I know of and she still
managed to get the things she wanted, every time. She fought tooth and nail until she had the answer she was after. Her hope with her writing was that anyone could derive a similar strength from her words and continue on in spite of their circumstances. To prove that no matter what, and even in death, people can still succeed with their goals.
 
This continues to be most confusing period in my life but I know that Meghan set me on a path that I won't veer from until I'm finished. Because of her. Because of her determination, her drive, her spirit, because she deserves everything she ever wanted to do or see. My hope, in addition to sharing her story, is to spread this message; when a community unites, so, so much can get accomplished.
 
There is a massive network of friends and friends of friends that can help the less fortunate in every corner of the earth.  We can all make a difference and an impact, at home or abroad. Because of loved ones or in spite of the bad hand you've been dealt. Being depressed, hurt or upset doesn't get things done. Wipe the blood off your face, bandage your wounds, get up, do better and do more, every time.
-Adam

Progress

It's hard for me to define if I'm making any progress or not. Meetings fall through, decisions aren't being made and I just feel tired all the time. I can't figure out a linear path for this project. It's
like every thought represents a line in my head and not single one is going in the same direction as another. Everything is infinitely more confusing than a month ago. I want to make this awesome for her. I want her to be proud. I want her to always be remembered and held in high regard.

I've decided to narrow down my approach to the service project. I'm
going to go to five places and spend three months at each location. I feel like
I'll be able to make more of an impact and better connections if I'm there for a substantial period of time. I've narrowed the countries/ areas down to Australia, India, Central/South America, Tanzania/ Kenya/ Rwanda area and Poland. I need to get in touch with actual schools, orphanages or farms, any project in these countries that needs assistance. Im looking to start putting the dates together and I need your help with finding people
that I can help. If you have connections in these countries, put me in touch with an actual person. I'd like to flesh these out so I can figure out a trip budget and more precise timeline for the trip.

Lastly, I'm worried that people aren't talking because they're afraid to. They don't know the "right" thing to say so they don't say anything. I need your help and communication. There is no right thing to say or feel, at all. None of this is right and it will never be right or just or OK that Meghan is gone. There will never be a right way to go about grieving for someone, no correct timeline, no correct magic word to make pain go away.

The five or ten or eighty steps to happiness or completion or whatever are complete garbage. You do things that make you feel better. You enjoy the good times when they happen and remember what it is about Meghan that makes you happy or feel stronger or better. Please, talk. Communicate. It doesn't matter
what you say as long as you are honest.

-Adam

Not Deciding is Deciding

It's hard doing things that are fun without Meghan being a part of them.
For every pleasurable part of this weekend, I wished she was here. Progress
being made for the service project is satisfying but I still feel
guilty for enjoying myself. I know that there is no right or wrong way
to grieve nor no correct length of time one needs to be upset with the
loss. When is it ok to have fun? When is it ok to be active?

We always wanted to live in a big city and New York would've blown
Meghan's mind. She would have had an absolute blast exploring the city and
finding new restaurants. A group of our friends and myself spent the entire day yesterday walking around and I imagined how she would have reacted to the amazing houses, the street fairs, noises, the park and gardens, as well as her place in our
conversations. Which person would she have chosen to talk to? What would they have talked about?

It was really hard yesterday. It definitely feels great to get
away but I'm half afraid I'll abandon dealing with losing Meghan and
try to pretend that I'm not sad or deal with the fact that the best part of my life is now gone. Meghan always made me deal with things. She always forced me
to talk about difficult stuff and wouldn't let me off the hook until I
had resolved the issue verbally, mentally and/or physically.

I'm really glad that what I'm doing is about Meghan and that I'm forced
to talk about her and deal with her loss every time I explain to
someone new what my trip is about. In a way it's almost like Meghan is
again forcing me to deal with this. She won't let me bottle all of
this up and slink off into a hermit-like oblivion. She wants me to
make something of myself. She wants me to be social and enjoy new
things and to actually deal with losing her. I will never ever
understand how any of this was fair to her or how she was so positive
and comforting for others. I will never forget her, her spirit or her
fight. She wants me to move forward. She wants me to decide to do
meaningful things and then to follow through and finish them.

The Impact of Volunteering

"Everybody can be great because everybody can serve."

—Martin Luther King, Jr.


My goal is to pass along Meghans spirit, I want those who haven't yet been touched by her story to understand what she means to this world. I want to inspire others to pick up where their passed loved ones left off. Finish things set out for them. Move forward. Make an impact. 
I don't think that anyone would argue the benefits of volunteer service both for the volunteer and the recipient of that service. It strengthens community, there are health benefits for the individual and it leaves a lasting impact on the lives of those involved. 

In a report released by United Healthcare and Volunteer Match, they found that;

-More than 68% of those who volunteered in the past year report that volunteering made them feel physically healthier.
-29% of volunteers who suffer from a chronic condition say that volunteering has helped them manage their chronic illness.
-89% of volunteers agree that volunteering improved their sense of well-being.
-73% of volunteers feel that volunteering lowered their stress levels.
-92% of volunteers agree that volunteering enriches their sense of purpose in life.
-More than three-quarters of volunteers who participate in service activities through work report that they feel better about their employer because of the employer’s involvement in their volunteer activities.

Volunteer work is an excellent method of making positive gains for yourself both physically and mentally. You become part of something. There are tangible results to your work. The intangible results are the things you learn about yourself and your community. You Improve yourself.

Meghan had very clear and distinct goals that were all are centered around self improvement and learning through service. Whether it was forcing herself in front of her peers to teach, move to a completely foreign place or get to a certain level or aerobic health, Meghan was hell-bent on self-improvement. Which is something I think everyone needs a dose of now and again. Raw determination to get what you want and where you want to be.  

I was fortunate to have more than a dose (7:30 wake up calls to go to the gym may qualify as unfortunate or an overdose,) and plan to do all I can with that massive(and often forced) injection of sheer will-power. I am going to travel to 23 countries because Meghan would have. I am going to run a half marathon because Meghan would have. I am going to volunteer in an Indian orphanage because Meghan would have. I am going to inspire you to get what you want because Meghan would have. She already has for so many. 
-Adam

Community

The word "community" is derived from the Old French communité which is derived from the Latin communitas (cum, "with/together" + munus, "gift"), a broad term for fellowship or organized society.[2]

I find this to be profound. with/ together and gift being combined into one word. It has been amazing to see this in action. We are all part of something powerful and far reaching and my hope is that no one loses sight of this. Meghan and I felt very blessed by the outpouring of love, support and solidarity. And Meghan very much wanted to pay it back in some way. It was very important for her to keep a record of everything she received from everyone. She wanted everyone to know how much it all meant to her. You all are wonderful. It's wonderful that we are all part of this. I want to carry this same spirit of gratefulness and global community with me every where I go, every step of the way. I want all of you to be part of this with me, to see the impact being made and to make connections of your own. Thank you so much for your help thus far. Don't just help me. Help everyone you can in need. It comes back to you one way or another.
-Adam

Press Release

many thanks to julie campbell, we now have an official press release that can be downloaded: Here
or i can email it, get at me: Here
download, change the date to a current one and forward to your local paper, tv station, radio station, blog etc.
-Adam

Travel Map

View For The Love of Meghan in a larger map

-Adam

list of needs

These are the things that I need in order to get this project going. I'll be updating these when things are fulfilled(again, email - adam.r.warner@gmail.com - me if you want to take care of one of these, just so i can keep it all straight or send me a personal message on facebook):

1) 32gb Ipad for travel writing/ updating blogs and uploading/ storing photos.
2) Handheld digital HD video camera
3) YOUR connections to media outlets. I'd love to spread the word to local newspapers, tv, online magazines, documentary filmmakers....anyone that can spread information fast. speaking engagements, meetings with your mp or mpps, reporters etc.
4) Business cards(something simple stating my purpose, why Im doing what Im doing and the links to Meghan's FB page and blog and my information.
5) Ipad Camera connection kit.
6) Pages app for the Ipad (can be gifted through itunes)
7) Numbers app for the Ipad (can be gifted through itunes)
8) Train tickets for the cross-canada trip (Sept)
9) Volunteer opportunities in every major city along the way
10) Mifi unit with service for Canada (just to borrow for the summer or so?)
11) Help setting up a charity and or non-profit org for donations
12) Destination Ideas - I'll be posting a very, very general map that i want all of your input to fill in and connect the dots.
13) a personal trainer. I suck at running, have a lot of it to do in the near future, and don't know where to start. Also, I'm really out of shape.
-Adam

Live Harder

I think all of us are obviously reeling with the loss of Meghan. There is an emptiness left by her that I know Ill never fill. I don’t think Meghan and I met for her benefit, we met for mine. I learned so much from her in the past 3 years, invaluable lessons that speak volumes about who she is and what she meant to those around her.
Her family was without question the most important part of her life. I've never met a girl more proud of who her father is and what he has done in his life. The close friendship and trust she shares with her mother is something most of us will only be able to wish for. And the utmost level of respect and adoration she has for her brother makes me want to be a better man in order to be included in those ranks. She holds every single member of her family in the highest regards. She is so, so immensely proud to be part of the Bradley/ Baker clan. Just the same, I’ve never been more proud to be a Warner, and so, so proud that Meghan is a Warner, than I am of these past two years while going through this journey with Meghan.
And that’s the first and most important lesson Meghan taught me. Your family and friends are the best things you have, treasure them. When there is trouble you circle the wagons, stay near and do everything you can to fight. And that’s the second. You fight. You fight for the things you want, the things that are important to you and you never, ever give up.
And that’s the third. Live. Some of us aren’t given a lot of time here, so live and make an impact. Do important things and affect people positively.
And the last is ongoing. Learn. Never stop learning. There are lessons taught in everything, everywhere through everyone. Don’t let them fall on deaf ears. Be connected and in the words of one of Meghan’s best friends; “Cherish every fucking moment.”

The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have
burned so very, very brightly.

In Meghan’s honour I’m going to finish everything on her list(s). Not just the most recent list, not just the one she wrote back in September, the ongoing list she had with those close to her. The things she wants to do that are wild and far off. Many have asked how to help and this is how you can. If there is something special between you and Meghan or something you know she wants to do tell me. If you want to be part of that trip tell me. I plan on traveling from place to place, meeting up with her friends and family and providing some sort of volunteer service in each place for her. If you have travel connections, airline miles you want to donate, money you don’t know what to do with or simply a couch to sleep on let me know. Read through her lists on her blog and if there is something that speaks to you let me know. Meghan inspired us all in many different ways and want to hear about all of them. So.... here we go- (Thursday, September 10, 2009)
Life Goals...
1) To hold a PhD, I'm not too picky on what it is going to be in. The way I am going though, I think it's bound to be nursing.
2) To learn another language. I've got a head start on Korean and French, I just need to get motivated enough to do it.
3) To master at least one of the following musical instruments - cornet, cello, piano, or guitar.
4) To live in at least 5 different countries - So far I've only got Canada and Korea. I'm assuming that I will have United States in the near future (preferably San Fran, DC, Portland and Maine). I'm thinking somewhere in Europe and in South America?
5) To run a half marathon. I've a lot of training to do though, seeing as the 5km I ran today was far from easy.
6) Spend at least 100 hours volunteering. (Note*** So far I'm up to 40h :))
7) Master the following- sewing, knitting & crocheting (Note*** on my way with knitting/sewing, kinda sorta.)
8) Become part owner of a Bed & Breakfast (with Adam.)
9) Travel to 30 countries. I'm at 7 now.
10) Read at least 12 books a year until I die (Textbooks NOT included).
11) Complete 'The Weekend to End Breast Cancer' 60km walk in Toronto.
12) Own a little cottage by a lake.
New Goals-
1) Take the train across Canada.
2) Go to an NHL game (don't really care where, I just want to go.)
3) Make Peter take me (and friends) to a Blue Jays game... I don't really have any interest in baseball, but I think it would be fun.
4) Go to the Symphony.
5) Get married (hahaha, um... no pressure Adam.)
6) Go to Canada's Wonderland with my friends/family.
7) Take a road trip back to Maine.
8) Go snowshoeing.
9) Go ice-skating on the Rideau Canal.
10) Get my darn tooth fixed.
11) Get some darn shiny nice new glasses.
12) I've always wanted to go to Ireland with my father... it's been a dream of mine since I was just a little girl. My father has been, and he loved it. I would love to share this with him while I still can. I don't think I'm ready to let go of this dream yet.
13) See the northern lights.
14) Travel to India to volunteer in orphanages.
-Adam

There will be visitation between 2-4 PM and 7-9 PM on Thursday, April 29 at Needham-Jay Funeral Home in Petrolia: 4059 Petrolia Lane, Petrolia, Canada


All are also welcome at the funeral at St. Philip's Parish (415 King Street) in Petrolia at 11 AM, Friday April 30.


In lieu of flowers, she wanted donations made to Kelly Shires Breast Cancer Foundation 1-877-436-6467.

It’s with a heavy and broken heart that I write this. Meghan passed away this morning, every bit as independent, feisty, and without pain.

Thank you all for your immense love, and support. We very much appreciate you.

Dang'ol Bambalance

So last night I was watching a movie with Adam when I  felt something kind of strange in my front right side....and by strange I mean a severe, sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Within a minute or two, said pain got to the point where it was almost impossible to take anything but shallow breaths and the pain was constant no matter the position. It was at this point that I had Adam call my mother so we could go the E.R. in Petrolia. As much as I HATE taking night trips to the hospital because everything takes so long as they have to bring in the on call staff, I knew this was an exception to my rule. I guess being able to breathe kind of negates all my previous hangups. We left home at about 10pm and I was admitted almost immediately. The usual routine followed, with bloodwork, blood pressure, temp., and lots of other poking and prodding. The on call physician Dr. Daniels was concerned that I might have a blood clot in my lung, or a bleed in my liver. Obviously starting treatment for either could cause some pretty serious repercussions (like... death) so he sent me to Sarnia by ambulance to have a CT of my abdomen and chest. The ambulance drivers were super nice and even took it kinda slow for me as every bump and turn was causing really severe pain, despite the Percocet I had been given at the hospital. When the results finally made it back to Petrolia (after I did), Dr. Daniels was able to rule out both the bleed and clot. Instead, it appeared that my gallbladder was inflamed and I had something that may or may not be pneumonia.  He prescribed some intravenous antibiotics for the possible gallbladder infection (administered once a day until friday) and morphine to make the infection, movement, breathing and life in general more tolerable. 

I was released from the hospital this morning (because I didn't want to be admitted for the next 4 days) and have been hanging out on my bed, pretty much motionless since I got home. The morphine helps, but I only wanted enough to take the edge off, but not get rid of the pain completely, so I don't damage myself more. and last but not least; with yet another round of the antibiotics I will unfortunately have to push back my chemo another week.

The thing on my upper arm is a soft-set(?) to administer the morphine (they use a funny little device to set it just under the skin, kind of like the top of a click pen) and the wolverine claw is the IV for the antibiotics that I get to keep until friday. 

I am a little disappointed with the London Cancer Clinic for not being a little more helpful with the whole situation. They have a doctor on call who is supposed there to advise other doctors in ERs across Ontario. I understand that being on call sucks but helping out a doctor dealing with a very sick patient IS YOUR JOB. Maybe try being a little more helpful. Thanks.

Minor setback

The start of round two of my chemotherapy has been postponed by a week. The weekend before it was to begin, I developed a rather painful tooth infection. I went to see my palliative doctor on Monday and he started me on 7 days of antibiotics in an attempt to clear it up.
Tuesday I went to the London Regional Cancer Clinic and spoke with Dr. Vandenburg. Following our rather lengthy conversation regarding all of the side effects that I have been experiencing, we decided that it would be best to give my body an extra week to recover. This would allow the antibiotics more time to run their course before knocking my immune system out again. As relieved as I was to hear this, the news was also a little discouraging. Mentally, it's tough to hear that your body isn't strong enough to handle the treatments. It's tough knowing that the cancer also has an extra "recovery" week before it gets hit with the chemo again. I just want to kick it's butt and having to wait around is disheartening.

Dr. Vandenburg was also toying around with the idea of reducing my dose of chemo, as I seem to be having a number of bothersome side effects. One of the reasons I respect Dr. Vandenburg as a doctor is that he actually listens his patients input. When I told him why I didn't want my dose reduced, he actually listened to me. It's nice to be able to have some input on your treatment. I know the first round of chemo was the hardest for me last time. I ended up in the hospital for 5 or 6 days after my first round. Although I had some sort of problem after all but 1 round, none of them compared to the first time. I'm hoping that this chemo will be the same. I mean... really I'm hoping that I won't have any problems with the next two rounds at all, fingers crossed.

I don't know what I was expecting coming in, but I now know that even the so called more gentle chemotherapy can be a jerk. I suppose I should have expected this, knowing that the point of chemotherapy is to kill cells in your body. I mean... anything with a job like that is bound to have some not so nice consequences. Although it didn't make my hair fall out (my radiation did), it's still wreaked havoc on my body.  During the first round, my skin became incredibly dry and sensitive, to the point where if someone touched me, it was uncomfortable. My hands and feet were and still are very dry, and discoloured. The balls of my feet started to develop uncomfortable red patches, at which point I was told to stay off them. My mouth sores, along with my infected tooth and constant stomach discomfort made/make eating a rather unpleasant experience. The puffiness and weepiness (is that even a word?) of my eyes and the fact that my nose runs every time I try to eat anything just further added to my annoyance. Finally... chemo wears you the heck out. I've never been one to nap, but for about 5 days in a row I had at least 1 nap a day.

On the bright side, I do believe that I am getting some of the strength back in my legs. Going up and down stairs is getting easier. My Palliative doctor also suggested that I start riding my bike, which is awesome. This past week, Adam brought me one of his bikes to ride :) It's beautiful...I'm just waiting for the weather to warm up again before I get out there. I've also started sleeping through the night again. I had almost forgotten how wonderful it is to get a good nights sleep. I'm so happy to be off the Dexamethasone! Oh... one final present the Dex left me with was another case of thrush. Jerk. Medication for this has been added into my arsenal of pills and rinses.

In other more exciting news Adam and I are now engaged. He proposed while we were in Ottawa in the beginning of March. We don't have all the details worked out yet, but we are planning on a small wedding. I'm afraid anything too large would just be overwhelming given my current situation. Thank you to everyone on facebook and otherwise for the congrats and support :) I'm really excited!!
I will hopefully get around to editing some of the Ottawa pictures soon, and post some of them on here. I forgot how much I love that city!!


meg xo

Seven Down

For the first time in about two and a half weeks this little chipmunk has been able to feel her cheekbones! Today is going to be a very good day indeed :) What is sometimes referred to as "moonface" by those of us taking dexamethasone appears to be subsiding. I have been able to reduced my intake from 16mg/day when I started (Jan. 26th) to 6mg a day. Tomorrow I will drop down to 4mg/day :) This is pretty exciting news as the steroid has been wreaking havoc on my sleep schedule for the past month. For a girl who regularly gets 8 hours a sleep a night, dropping down to 4-6 hours and waking up at 5am has been disheartening to say the least. Things seems to be looking up though, as last night I was able to capture 6.5h and I'm taking that as a big old victory.

ALSO!!! Today is officially the half way point of my first round of chemotherapy! So far, the only issues that I am dealing with are some tingly feelings in my hands and feet, some general discomfort in the stomach area, a little nausea, a tiny cough and one tiny mouth sore. I'll admit that the mouth sore is totally my fault for not rinsing with baking soda twice a day.  I'd say I'm doing pretty well considering the last time I was going through chemo, I had already been hospitalized at this point! Knock on wood.

To jazz this entry up, I have a few pictures that I would like to share with everyone.
I have been documenting a few of the things I've been doing with my friends and family over the past month or so. Some of them were low key, some of them, like the symphony, a little more extravagant :)

Jan 29, 30 &31st
The weekend after I was diagnosed, Adam and I headed up to St. Catharines, ON to visit with Asia and Peter. Little did I know that the group had planned for our friend Stephanie to surprise me. I haven't seen Steph since December 2008. Far too much food was consumed, which I will blame on the steroids ;)
On Sunday, I was also fortunate enough to be able to catch up with one of my favourite people, Mr. Kyle Foster :) Kyle made the trek to Hamilton to meet us for lunch... turns out that everything in Hamilton with vegan options is closed for lunch on Sunday, so we had to resort to KFC... which serves a vegan friendly chicken burger.

Pure sugar water. Pretty darn gross.

Feb. 12th, 13th, & 14th
This weekend Asia, Stephanie, and I headed to Detroit to hang out with Adam.  Peter, Jordan and Jess joined us on the Saturday.

Asia and Steph at Red Robin. I gain 5 pounds every time I eat here.

Adam calls it Chuck E. Cheese for adults and he isn't kidding!

The ladies first time at Target. 

On Valentine's Day, we all went to a fancy vegetarian restaurant for breakfast.

Peter (et al.) slightly annoyed that he had yet to get a coffee after being in the restaurant for 15 minutes.

Feb. 19th, 20th, &21st
This was the weekend of the symphony. Upon arriving in St. Catharines, we made our way out for dinner with Asia's family to celebrate her sister Kasia's birthday. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that it was a pretty amazing evening. Then next day we headed up to Toronto and had dinner at Fresh with a few friends before heading to the symphony. As a post symphony celebration, we headed across the street from the hotel to Jack Astor's to enjoy the less serious/refined side of life.

Jordan. Not entirely sure what he is doing?

Asia showing me how to kick the crap out of cancer.

Steph and I

Peter and Tricia :) They really weren't bored. I swear.

Kasia, Asia and I at the Symphony

Jack Astor's 

Me sleeping in the Royal York Hotel... feeling like a princess.