Weight Training

weight training starts today! any running specific routines you all know of?

6.5 swampy, draining, rejuvenating miles. I feel awesome/ awful. How do you runners train in this?

continue

It's hard being at the cottage sometimes when you let your mind get ahead of you think about all that is gone. Meghan, Chuck and Gram were staples there. They made the cottage, the cottage in many ways. Their influence is seen, felt and their absence is painfully obvious. It is still the same relaxing place but what it means to me is being reinvented. I think its more a place of reflection now. I spent Meghan's birthday, which historically has been the period that we're up there, running. Two years ago Meghan and I started running. She would take a right at the end of the driveway and I would go left. I topped out at 2 miles and Meghan, every time, would do at least 3.
This past year has been all about challenging myself and accomplishing difficult goals that Meghan set mostly for herself(check the bottom of the page for the list of completed goals). I went snowshoeing finally (running 5k in snowshoes is nothing to shake a stick at.) The race, which was set up by the incredible Jen Nichol was amazing, so many wonderful people came out to both race and support. I really had a blast being in the snow and doing something far outside of my comfort zone. I then started training. Actually training. For the Half-Marathon. Something also outside of my comfort zone. I typically will start something and quit after a month when it gets difficult. Running was different, I was completely prepared by Meghan's birthday and it was the best run I've had to date.
I don't want to stop running so I signed up for a marathon this fall. I also am going to start incorporating my goals as I move forward. Making goals that push you forward is the best lesson I've learned from Meghan. There's no point to not having something to work toward that is harder than the last challenge you completed.
(I know, I know....what?! why?)
I'm running the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington DC on Oct. 30 with the George Washington University Cancer Institute".
I have a Fundraising Goal of $500 and would greatly appreciate your help in reaching that. I'm going to start posting my progress with Marathon training and School this fall. I'm definitely going to need periodic advice and help with things and I know some of you out there have plenty to offer. I would love to develop this into a supportive community of people working towards their own progressive goals.

Life, Harder.

Happy Birthday Meg, this is for you, Chuck & Grammarama.



13.1 Complete

13.1

I'm sorry in advance for any grammatical errors, this just sort of came out quickly and I literally have to walk out the door to go to the airport right now. I can't wait for CANADA!

Without further adieu:

I couldn't take New York and never feeling like I was going to get my head above water. I worked 12 hours every day and still couldn't afford every day expenses, I was always exhausted and I wasn't able to do the things I wanted to do. I didn't feel like my life was progressing in the direction I wanted it to and I missed my friends. I missed being in DC and doing the things I used to when I lived there. Moving again also scared me. I was worried that it was a nomadic trend and I'd never be able to get settled. I wanted to find somewhere to be for a long time, to plant my feet and feel secure.
I moved back in march and slept on couches for about a month until a room opened up in a really good neighborhood. I started going to shows again, seeing my friends regularly and doing those small traditions that were important to my friend and myself. I found a good, steady job a few blocks from my house and I picked up where I left off with the running goal I sort of started back in the winter. I finally started to feel like myself.
I’m running 4-5 days a week and steadily improving. It's the best thing I think I've worked at so far. There is no other feeling like waking up at 5:30 and being done with 10 miles before 9. I am proud of myself for accomplishing that! Is huge to me to be in double-digit mileage. I know running the half marathon for Meghan next month will not be some nearly insurmountable struggle, and that is the point of the goal. To put in significant effort and training to accomplish something way outside my realm of fitness. To work at something, hard, to achieve it. The triumph of any goal isn't the finish, it's all of that struggle and fight to get there, that's the part that you remember and carry with you when you actually do finish.
The middle was always the important part for Meghan, the getting somewhere, the in between. She was excited when she finished something because of all she'd worked for and accomplished on her way to get to that goal. I feel the same way about the next big goal coming up. This Friday, on Meghan's birthday I'm running the half marathon than I've been training for the last 6 months. I feel really good about it; I know that I've put in the necessary effort for it not to be a huge struggle. Just the same way Meghan would have put in all the preliminary work to easily achieve something she would've wanted to. This is my path now, to set a goal, work hard for it, accomplish something more difficult than the last achievement and repeat. Meghan never stopped trying to be better and I won't either.

If you're interested in coming to the run, send me an email. It'd be cool to have some company.

Also, I got accepted to school, I start this fall and I can't wait!

Thank you, for the last year.

Another G&T kind of day. I'm really proud of all that has been accomplished in the past year and I have no doubt Meghan would be very proud of my progress. I know we all miss her so much but it's important to not dwell on how sad this all can be but how important her life was and how much she refuses to stop inspiring us all to live harder.
Raise that glass high.

slow brain

It's been really hard to get anything concise to come to the surface in the past month. Uncle chuck passed away a week after grammarama and that was surprisingly hard to deal with. He was a huge part of supporting me during Meghan's treatment and passing away. He was the epitome of gentle giant. I definitely looked up to him and wish i could've done more for him when he got sick earlier this year and I can't do the man justice with words, he is larger than life.

I feel worse for feeling less, like the well has run dry from everything that we've all dealt with in the past year, I feel like I can't feel anything else in that way or be really, really sad when I know I should. It's confusing and makes me feel guilty. soul-sucker for sure.

I guess I have to lead those night walks through the woods now (you know who you are and what I'm talking about)?

too many shoes

meghan's grandmother, grammarama, passed away monday morning.
send your love and how they've changed you (they all definitely had a part in making meghan....meghan) to the most amazing and resilient family i've had the good fortune to wriggle my way into:

maggie_baker1@hotmail.com
willabake@hotmail.com
baker_222@hotmail.com


this is where life made complete sense. raise those gin n tonics, you ladies are so missed:

maker

It's for some reason enormously hard to write lately. I didn't until very recently feel like my life was in complete upheaval. Moving from couch to couch is fun only for so long. Sometimes you just need to retreat to a space that is entirely your own where you feel safe and contained and stable. That's something I haven't had for over six months. Thanksgiving was hard. Christmas was hard and new years was almost too much for me to handle. It took me by complete surprise. I really wasn't at all expecting to be affected by it, especially because it's never been a holiday that's held much weight with me. I've wanted it to be fun in the past but it never amounts to much. The ball drops, and then you go to bed (last year Meghan didn't even make it that far and wanted to go to bed at 9!)

So yeah, I was expecting the holidays I do really enjoy (especially thanksgiving) to be upsetting. But it wasn't. It didn't feel like anything. New years is a very clear and definite end to what you've been through in the past, measurable amount of time. And in this past year there's been almost to much to take measure of, it's too broad of a scope. My head felt like it was shutting down with all of that weight that night. I couldn't grasp it. I didn't want to. I didn't want it to be over. It felt like some massive ship still very visible slowly sailing out of port. There is absolutely nothing in my power to stop the inertia of something that massive or even to slow it down and it's the saddest thing to experience. I don't want it to move away from me or feel any more distant than it already does. I miss Meghan so much. I even miss her being sick. I miss anything of her that's remotely tangible and within reach. But I can't stop that lumbering beast of pain, memory, hope, love and life from leaving me. I don't know what to do.

I am able to find happiness in small doses and sometimes not feel guilty about it. I do have my own space. My retreat. I'm here and I'm doing it. I'm existing and continuing and growing in spite of the difficulties the world has decided to heap on my shoulders. Meghan wants that. She forces perseverance and strength on me. I ran the farthest I've ever run in my 29 years today and it didn't even come close to defeating me. I beat the hell out of that 10k. Meghan is unquestionably carrying me, allowing, enabling and inspiring every step because I know she would be at this level if not far beyond by now. I owe it to her to be healthy and happy and fighting my way through every single rough patch, whether it's running, unemployment, homelessness, isolation, desperation, panic, guilt or remorse. I owe it to her memory and her life to look take all of these in for what they are and continue on the course set before me never looking back. I am here, I am the maker of my own way and I am going to kick the shit out of simple existence.




this guy is really inspiring:



Feb 19th I'll be completing another of meghan's goals at this event. It'd be great to meet some of you there, please come out, I think its going to be a lot of fun.

Led

Leaving brings the oddest mixture of feelings. Happiness, hope, sadness, regret, guilt and a tinge of fear. I am happy and content with what I've done and accomplished here. The experiences that I know are completely unique and remarkable will no doubt offer countless memories. I'm hopeful for the future, for moving to a new city for a new start and to put some serious effort into building an organization of ambition and facilitation. I'm sad for leaving the community that has shown me so much compassion and love and taught me countless lessons in every imaginable subject. Life changing experience doesn't even come close to quantifying it. Regret for not being able to devote more time. Or for that little voice wondering if I could've done more. Guilt is tied closely with the regret and my lack of physical things to give. Life in Jaisalmer is unquestionably rough as a Merasi. Once again, I had to learn the lesson of not acting out of anger or frustration, but watching and learning how to handle difficulty with grace and dignity. Meghan literally never let anything beat her spirit. Ever. She was certainly beat down by disease and indifferent doctors but she never ever gave up. She never lost her focus.

My heart breaks wide open for people like that. People that are so willing to welcome you into their life and be part of their struggle and show you their strength. The meaning of strength. Some people are full of spirit and drive and determination and completely deserve everything they want out of life. It's inspiring to be around and hard to leave. "If you want something bad enough the whole world conspires to help you achieve it." not like the lottery or a new car. Something out of life you were meant to achieve. Your own greatness is waiting for you. You don’t have to be a billionaire or leader of an uprising. Personal greatness in the way of doing something meaningful with your life. Significant work that you and others mutually benefit from. If you want that, if you're actively seeking that path the world, the stars, your lost loves that have passed on have your back and clearing the road before you. It's almost like your body knows the way and your mind needs convincing.

I lost sight of that at first. My focus was off. I missed the forest for the trees. Those monumental epiphanies come when you're working through a lot of things. They come when your focus expands and your ability to absorb expands and you are making an effort to be there for it all. The light switch doesn’t flip when earth-shattering realizations are your singular goal.

One of the last few nights in Jaisalmer I was standing on my rooftop, not looking at anything. Soaking up the tinny chirp of the bats and the fishbowl effect of a cloudless star filled sky. And that's when it happened. I wanted to scream, to somehow audibly relieve every ounce of anger, frustration, guilt and heartbreak. I felt like a hole opened in the center of my chest with what felt like a direct link to everything. I wasn’t looking for anything, I was just there accepting. Not searching, not asking, just wanting it to all go away and be replaced by this newness. Something fresh, and complete.

It left. I didn’t need to do anything; I knew it wouldn't matter if I did. The world won't wait for me to catch up. I have to let it go. I have to get up. I have to be able to take everything in. I have to keep moving.

I'm being led. I have a direction that I am continually and gently nudged back into. All of these huge lessons I've learned along the way have only happened because of this communication and direction. Supernatural or tangible, I know where I'm going and why and I get feedback. It doesn't stop. She's not completely gone, she's not forgotten, I haven't moved on nor do I have any intention of doing so. Meghan has altered my life so profoundly that others need to understand her impact. I have finished a giant step for her and it's made me better and stronger and I have so much left to do, so much more important work. Thank you all for bring part of this with us and offering your support because it helps. It really does. It keeps me going on those bleak and dark days. It helps knowing Meghan’s legacy can still affect me and encourage/ inspire others. Thank you so much for being a part of this. These odd feelings are equal parts confusing and comforting and thank you for helping to induce them. I'm here to help and I have much to offer in return. I hope to be there for all of you as you have for us and for me in the beginning of this incredible journey

The world is a really beautiful place when you stop focusing on singular things and let all of the surrounding parts in. I think focusing less on the difficulties of rural Indian life or the hardships I was going through mentally and emotionally allowed to me to see where Meghan is and what she means to me now. Some people think those that have passed away still communicate with us as ghosts or through seemingly random occurrences or animals. Regardless what you believe, I think they are still here with us in a big way. That communication still happens through memory, at the very least. You know this person and how they'd react. You know what they would say to you in specific situations. You know how they respond to you and through that, they still lead you.
I'm being led.

I have a direction that I am continually and gently nudged back into. All of these huge lessons I've learned along the way have only happened because of this communication and direction. Supernatural or tangible, I know where I’m going and why and I get feedback. It doesn't stop. She's not completely gone, she's not forgotten, I haven't moved on nor do I have any intention of doing so. Meghan has altered my life so profoundly that others need to understand her impact. I have finished a giant step for her and it's made me better and stronger and I have so much left to do, so much more important work. Thank you all for bring part of this with us and offering your support because it helps. It really does. It keeps me going on those bleak and dark days. It helps knowing Meghan's legacy can still affect me and encourage and inspire others. Thank you so much for being a part of this. These odd feelings are equal parts confusing and comforting and thank you for helping to induce them. I'm here to help and I have much to offer in return. I hope to be there for all of you, as you have for us and for me in the beginning of this incredible journey.

the will

It doesn't matter how hard any of this is.

I shouldn't say it doesn't matter, because it does. It's going to be important later on when I look back and think about the things I've gone through and overcome. There is a lot of significance in this time, but what I should say is that's not what I should be focusing on. I should be focusing on where I am and why I'm here. It is definitely remarkable and hard to believe that I'm in India. India was hardly on my radar of places to visit until I met Meghan, and even then I tried to talk her out of it. I just wasn't really interested. I get it though. I get why India was so important to her. Meghan always sought challenges and India is certainly full of them. She wanted to experience as much as possible and India is vastly different end to end. Camels, wild peacocks, antelope and elephants all in the same day. It's amazing how old the tombs and temples and culture and customs are. They've remained largely unchanged for the last 500 years. She would love hanging out with the old men in the chai stalls (I should clarify, she would've loved it for the first ten seconds of sitting there and then would've quickly been fed up with the old men blatantly staring and asking which country) or sharing a meal with villagers on a blanket after dark in the desert under the stars (guaranteed more shooting stars than you can count) or wandering through the endless maze of tiny alleys in Jaisalmer. These are experiences that few get to be part of and she would have loved that they were hers. They are hers.

It will be six months that she's been gone this Wednesday, as of few days ago I didn't think I was at all prepared for it. I know six months is a completely arbitrary mile-marker, but it exists and it exists to remind me that I'm alone. That she isn't here anymore. I didn't think I could handle it. I might not be able to. But so far, I am doing IT. That's the point. I am in the middle of it, still surviving and coping and carrying on. I am still here.

Meghan would be so proud and overcome at all that has happened in the past months. Things have progressed beyond what either of us ever expected. She would be so happy with the current place and the path for the future. We do have big plans for all of this. This doesn't just end with me. My goal is to make myself obsolete and have this entity carry on as its own, spurring others to live in Meghan's legacy, reflecting on all that she has to offer and all the of the strength she made so clearly visible for us to see. She is, in every way, extraordinary. Thanks to her I know how to let myself be upset, to grieve, to evaluate everything, then pick myself up and trudge through the mire life so often carelessly distributes to those that hardly ever deserve it.

We are amazing in that we possess will. We have the ability to see the impossible for what it is and overcome with sometimes nothing more than our determination. I watched Meghan do it countless times and on a regular basis. Overcoming provided fulfillment for her, like one would expect, but not like the journey to get there. Those individual steps were her triumph, the bumps along the way that she wouldn't let slow her down. It didn't matter how imposing those roadblocks were. The struggle is what held the significance.

She didn't let life pass her by. She allowed herself to relax and enjoy tiny moments that others hurried to get through. The small stuff holds the significance. The good, the bad. The heavy and the light. Where you are and why you're there is significant. Drinking coffee with a loved one is significant, not the stupid fight you have that keeps you from talking. Drinking chai in a sandstone hut has weight. Riding the slow bus to the beach has weight. Going to a hockey game with your family and best friends has weight. Not the final score, not the cost of the ticket, not the chai itself. Its the up and the down, the happy and the sad, the pieces that make up the whole that are important.

The Wall

In the last week I feel like I've hit a wall. The one made up all those painful feelings and memories of losing Meghan that's insurmountable and seemingly infinite on both sides. I've managed, off and on to turn my back on it and pretend it's not there or walk alongside it but again, avoid it. Until this past week. I've run out of ground to distract myself. It's here and it's huge and it's sad. And it makes me every bit as upset as it did five months ago. I have trouble sleeping at night, because every time I close my eyes I see the film reel of Meghan. If I'm lucky it has sound and I feel close and connected, if not I'm forced to watch from far away and I feel completely alone. Half the time I have to sleep holding a pillow or rolled up blanket.

All of this intense, heavy feeling combined with the cultural difference made me unfairly dislike India. And that is so unfair, to jumble a set of feelings into a judgment about one country. Not just one country, India. One-fifth of the worlds population. 150 different languages and thousand year old customary traditions that change as fast as the towns along the highways. India is beyond rich in life. I've been unfair.

I hated the hawking and heckling. I still do, but I think of it differently and react differently. With so much competition its hard to set yourself apart if you cant get a patron's attention. I hated the dirt and grime, but that too, I think of differently. Being dependent on tourism means a lack in infrastructure to upgrade things like sewer systems or electricity. Theres also an 'if it aint broke don't fix it mentality." India can be overwhelmingly difficult and intense. But so is Chinatown. Any Chinatown. Somehow though, I feel at ease about Jaisalmer. I'm not as frustrated, it's a slower pace of life here which can be pretty relaxing if you let it. I'm faced with these choices of how I can react to situations every day. It doesn't do me any good to react in anger, it just furthers my frustration. I feel more connected to the school and the people in it. The children are quickly responding to the English lessons and have made huge progress in their comprehension.

Back to the not sleeping. That too, I look at differently. It's not something to be sad about. Yes, what happened is incomprehensibly sad. But, I do have very vivid memories of Meghan. Some say that they can't remember facial features or voices or smells or instances after time and I still have all of that. I'm fairly confident it's not going
anywhere either. I miss her so much and I'm grateful she's still here in some capacity.

heart problem, part two

I feel equal parts happy and sad, like water of the same river flowing in opposite directions. I find contentment in much the same things that trigger the movie reel of Meghan, usually leading to despair. I am lonely. Not alone, or even far away feeling, but lonely. I lack companionship in its perfect form. It was stolen along with the last bit of my happy heart.

Watching life slip from a friend's loved one in much the same manner as I have experienced doesn't do much to help stave off those sad memories. They only make
me see how the world is mostly unaffected by all of it. It keeps going, keeps spinning, either out of determination or habit, unaware of my Meghan, my friends father, your sibling or child. It doesn't care. It's all part of the game were forced to play. It's all a part were meant to play with enormous risk and what gain? I'd be lying if I said this didn't make me weigh the outcome of not continuing. It really does seem pointless, God, gods or not.

A close friend's father is dying and it's beyond a mental and emotional complication to be part of that. First, he can't get medical attention because he's an untouchable. Second, me being foreign, means that I'm as good as a doctor to my Indian friends. I had to remove his IV the other day and I've been dispensing what little medical knowledge I have left and right. Third, it's all too familiar. So much of it reminds of watching Meghan slip away. I can barely have a conversation with my friend without having to bight down on some part of the inside of my mouth to keep from crying.

There's so much here I don't understand and am constantly frustrated by. I can't walk through the market without being heckled to buy someones bag, t shirt or tapestry. This place is filthy, I mean filthy. No one has trash cans, they walk to the front door and throw everything into the street. There's cattle and pigs and mange infested dogs everywhere also throwing their waste into the streets and walkways.

Once a week some boys will come by the school with a giant net and round up a some of the stray pigs, which make horrible, murderous noises when being captured, to be slaughtered and fed to the hotel guests. The same pigs that literally sleep and eat in the open sewer gutter. Families will feed the cows cardboard and paper and let them graze in the trash, then at night those families will milk the cows and use that milk in everything they eat... then they complain about disease and birth defects.

What matters is sticking to the customs of your caste...which were invented by the uppermost caste 1000 years ago. Everyone knows it's an arbitrary system and everyone refuses to upset it. Except my friend, who is at the very bottom of this system slowly fighting his way up. Literally fighting. His family dies because of it and he gets acid thrown on him while he's riding his scooter through town.

I think I was coming here expecting to meet some wise old yogi or something that would walk me through all the things I'm dealing with and lead me on the path to mental clarity...and I feel this has only confounded it. I know my friend is having a rough time and trying to keep himself busy and I know he's frustrated that the world won't stop for him to catch his breath. It's awful to watch the hi-light reel of something that's so fresh in my memory.

I guess all this is good because it's all inescapable. I'm forced to face all of this and figure it out for myself, or just deal with it. All of this bad and hard emotional things are tempered with some good. We drive out into the desert often and that's always fascinating. Three nights ago we drove out for an hour and then abruptly took a left off the road into the dirt for another fifteen. It took me a while to figure out where we were going and then I saw these two tiny lights way off in the distance. When we got there I figured out it was his friend's cell phones they were holding up. It's that f'ing dark out there. We had a pretty amazing and surprisingly well lit meal as far from any kind of civilization as I've ever been. The sky separated from a city's light pollution is remarkable. Our only company being the snakes and scorpions and camels. Stuff like that is phenomenal to be a part of, but you're pretty quickly confronted with reality the second you start heading back to town.

There was a motorcycle crash on the one lane road, they left the bikes in the middle of the road all tangled and blood all around. They put up a strange memorial with rocks around it...it almost looked staged. Half the car thought it was a trap. But we got out looking for people to help and one of the guys saw writing on one of the bikes and decided it was ok to leave them, because they were Muslim. Thank God they were a different religion, otherwise we'd be forced to care about them. There weren't any hurt people around, the ambulance had already come, so that point didn't need arguing, but still. Religion does awful things to people.


If my friend's dad dies, they have to shut down the school for 3 days and keep their home open for forty, so the upper caste people can come 'mourn'. It sounds nice, except the upper caste made up his custom as a way to check in on the lower castes and essentially to bankrupt them. They come into the house and snoop around and eat their food. The grieving families have to provide food for everyone that comes. These people take advantage of a horrible situation through theft and the depletion of valuable resources while the family is simply trying to bury its dead.

There's a strange perfection I've realized in all of this chaos. One single perfect note found amidst a horrible and clumsy chord. I was talking with my friend about life and death. He says we are feeling the same things and that I understand what he is dealing with. Death is not ok and never will be. It's a loss in the purest definition of the word. There is something that once made you whole, gone. My friend said that there are something akin to ghosts when people pass on. Not their physical forms or even spirits but their journey or path or life left unfinished that continues on and 'haunts' those left behind. He said that Meghan is happy and passed away peacefully because her path was entrusted to me. She knew I would continue on for her and was comforted and released by that. He kept asking me why not her brother or father or mother? The answer to those are that they didn't need it and I did. They are where they should be and don't need to find their 'key'. He said this path leads to the key, like Ali Babba's search for the key. All of this is true. His father is at peace because my friend has his path (fighting this system from the bottom up.) He knows he has to continue to get to that key. Meghan passed away peacefully. I was there, I watched it. My friend said that at the time of death they are closer to their god than the world and see things differently. They can understand things that we are unable to. Maybe this is true and maybe it isn't. Maybe more synapses are firing, maybe less, maybe different synapses are firing and people close to that time are more capable of experiencing more. Whatever the explanation, Meghan was at peace. I know it in the deepest part of my soul, I know it completely. And I believe my friend is right, she was peaceful because she knew we were all going to eventually be ok because of our paths, our direction and our eventual discovery of that either physical or metaphorical key.

I have heard and read about so many cultures that measure knowledge and wisdom in the number and severity of scars. They are all experiences that we learn from. India so far has been painful and difficult in so many different ways but each of it's tiny inflictions leave a permanent mark that will ultimately heal. These experiences are instantly jarring, but dissected and explained, or looked at from another perspective have much to offer.

"Oh, heart problem"

"Oh, heart problem. After you leaving here change, head and heart change."

Last week started with that. The naturally curious kids asked many questions, including "are you married?". It was nice to be able to convey what happened, receive a genuine response and then not have to make the other person feel better about it. That was his response to my being here because of Meghan.

Why do some people so easily get it and not feel like they have to make excuses for terrible things that happen? They're surprisingly direct and understanding. They're empathetic and don't bother with sugar-coating. Sugar-coating makes things worse, as if the other person is dismissing what you're saying or trying to avoid any difficult feelings or conversation.

So, that's how it all began and it didn't necessarily make me feel like life here was going to get easier for me. Between the 10 hour days at the school, constant electrical issues and a general feeling of discomfort and isolation, I was worn out. Also the school runs 6
days a week and if possible, 7. It's also insanely hot, which is physically draining, and being India, none of these 'schedules' are set in stone. You honestly have no idea what you're going to be doing day to day.

For instance, yesterday, I was planning on being at the school at 11 (we needed to start early to get in extra long class time!? On Sunday!? Day 7!?) to teach classes all day. But, after being there for half an hour the power went out and stayed off for another 30 minutes so I decided to get food in town. I found a place that makes half decent veggie burgers that cost the same as any Indian food in town. After my meal I set to wander town and immediately ran into the school director and some out-of-town visitors. They were about to go into the desert to see an abandoned village and the dunes. They invited me along. Hmm, fight with the electricity and ineffectively teach for 8 hours or see things you probably won't ever have the chance to again? I chose teaching.
No, I didn't.

The first stop was a secret desert lake. It was pretty spectacular. It's surrounded by a roughly ten foot circular berm. Which does a fantastic job of hiding the place. The shore is littered with all sorts of fossils and the water was like glass, completely still and reflecting everything around it. Beyond the dirt berm is surprisingly lush farmland that grows millet for roughly half a mile in every direction. Definitely a peaceful way to start the tour.

After the lake we went to the highest point in Jaisalmer district, which has a hindu temple on top. Near the temple is an entrance to a cave with a tunnel that goes all the way back to the city(35 km of tunnel) that the priests used to use and could apparently ride a horse inside. The entrance we saw was maybe two feet high. Maybe. Legends
are fun though right?

From the temple we went to the dunes. I've seen dunes before, both beach and desert, but these are really impressive. They rise almost out of nowhere. We were in the seemingly endless craggy desert, full of huge sandstones, random bushes, dirt and then all of a sudden you're standing on top of a windswept dune staring at infinite sand (which is still oddly the same color as the rest of Jaisalmer). The wind lines are so perfect, almost like millions  of snake-like wood carvings. 

In the distance, I saw a caravan of camels, whose tracks look strangely like a horsehoe crab minus the tail pressed into the sand. The colors perfectly complement each other, puffy white clouds, super rich baby blue sky, dusty green trees and cactii (officially the first time I've been able to write that word into a sentence), and expansive rusty colored sand. If they were clothes, it'd be a pretty solid outfit.

Speaking of clothes, I've been wearing the same ones the entire time I've been here. One pair of pants because shorts are inappropriate for teachers and jeans sound like a pretty awful burden, and two long sleeve shirts, again with the short being sort of inappropriate and the less tattoos I show the easier it is on me. So, I probably smell bad and I'm constantly wet. I've never sweat so much in my life. I drink an astronomical amount of water everyday (close to 7 liters) and I'm constantly sweating. It's so strange. I wonder if the Indian people are equally as affected, they don't seem like it?

Back to the desert. From the dunes we drove to the place I spent my first night for some tea and to drop off supplies. I got to see another sunset in the desert and again with the crazy star show all in less than half an hour.

Now, double-back to the conversation at the beginning of the week. Before I came I didn't really know what to expect in terms of healing or learning but I definitely didn't expect sage advice from the mouths of children. Having an existential conversation with an 11 year old will quickly alter your way of thinking and since the first day I think I
stopped missing the forest for the trees kind of thing. Yes, this place is filthy and hot and smelly and frustrating but when a kid grasps what you're going through and the journey you're on with a limited knowledge of your language, it definitely makes you slow down
and consider what is really happening. 

He's right though, I will be changed, I'm already changed and I have a lot to learn still. I have to remain willing to see beyond the striking contrast to what I'm accustomed to
and really understand or seek out how that can apply to what I'm going through. I do have a heart problem. I have the problem. It's not up to someone else to fix it, it won't magically get fixed or filled up with time. I have to work at it. I have to be here, be present and be open to helping people here and learn from them. I have to let my head and my heart change, not hold on to the grief I've experienced, not be defined by it, but be defined by the lives I've been lucky enough to experience (Meghan's) and what great lessons I've learned from them.

Jaisalmer

The train to Jaisalmer started out just like the beginning of Darjeeling Limited. My friend brian and I literally had to run with my bags and hop onto a moving train. The ticket was confusing so I had to guess as to where my seat was. I passed a four bed cabin that was blowing AC out of the open door, hoping that any combination of the letters and numbers on my ticket matched a bed in there, but to no avail. I found bed number 12 which I thought was on my ticket and tried to settle in to that space. The car ran two beds high along one wall the length of the car with rows of two running perpendicular along the other wall. All in all it slept probably 30 people in this section. Not uncomfortable looking but I definitely felt a bit exposed because I couldn't find curtains for the bunks. Oh well. I hadn't eaten in probably 6 hours and was pretty hungry and hoped they would be bringing magical Indian food down the aisles or taking orders or something. Instead, there were a few guys with kettles walking up and down the aisle yelling "domaaatozoooop". I had to ask after the fourth time...tomato soup. Eh. Also kind of scary. You never know how old it is etc etc.
The ticket checker came and told me I was in the wrong car. It was my lucky day, sort of, I was in fact in the AC blower. It was So, so cold in there, quieter and more isolated even though I had to share with 3 others. I had the top left bunk which included access to an outlet and control of a vent.
The only let downs were the lack of buffet cart still(i was getting more and more hungry as time went on) and the bed was hard as rock. Plywood is more comfortable, at least there's some give.  You have to change position every twenty minutes or so because something is constantly falling asleep. Sleep was fitful but I had 18 hours to get enough of it. Man, it was seriously a long train.
I had to jump out of the train at 4 in the morning to grab some quick snacks and jump back on before the train left. You don't have much time at all in the stations. The "coach" sections of the train are pure pandemonium. Before the train is  mostly stopped people are trying to cram into every open door. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is shoving. People climb on top of the train, people hang out the windows. Its crazy. I've never seen anything like it. There's people everywhere. Back on the train I basically slept until we got to jaisalmer.
Jaisalmer is by far the craziest place I've been. Everything from the sand to the roads to the camels to the buildings is the same shade of pinkish rust. It really does feel like the last stop on the train, the end of the line, whatever that entails. It's not scary, but it is a bit unsettling to be mobbed by 20 or so men right outside the station, asking to take you to their brother's hotel, that is far better than the other taxi drivers offering the same thing. It's also hot. It's well over 100 with a touch of humidity to ensure your complete lack of comfort at all times.
The town centers around a massive fort in the center. The city sort of spirals its way down to sea(or sand?) level from the hill that the fort is perched on. The maze(I know, boring metaphor but apt) of hand-built stone walkways are remarkable on their own. Everything is made of stone. Huge stone. And there's all manner of distinct people milling around, dodging the cows eating out of the gutter or whatever it is they do.
It took me about an hour to make it to the school I am to be working at for the next few months. The school is amazing. It's immaculate. The three story building has marble floors throughout and old rugs everywhere. On the walls are old folk instruments, pictures and pottery. The walls are brightly painted. While we (about 10 kids and a music teacher that doubles as the rickshaw driver named Rasul) wait for the school director, Sarwar, to get there, they all treat me to an impromptu concert which all of you at some point should experience.
Everyone trades instruments constantly and sings. They mostly use the tabla (drum), harmonium (accordion like floor mini piano), finger cymbals and castanets. They all know every part of these really intricate songs and it's pretty intense trance-inducing music (don't tell the hippies about this place, they ruin everything.) All of this is incredibly exciting but the whole experience lacks someone to share it with.
I am very aware of how alone I am here. Almost every here experience reiterates my sense of isolation. I miss Meghan a lot and I wish she were here to share this with me. Taking her memory to these far off places isn't enough. I find that she's the only one I want to talk to about everything I'm experiencing and how far off and strange it all is. I'd love to see her reaction to the camels and cows and goats and pigs roaming free in the city.
She wouldn't be able to control herself at the sight of the school rickshaw packed to the brim with the kids from the music school, all completely content in everything they're doing. I think that is one of the first lessons I'm to learn on this portion of the trip. To be content and not always looking for something bigger and better.
There's a line in one of my favorite songs Brian and I were blasting in the back of his car in Delhi the other night, that really stuck a nerve. "if I've come with all I have I've come with all I need." How many of us live like that? I'm don't, yet. I try to, with packing light, but blinking flashing light up gadgets are definitely a weakness and I tend to overdo it. I need to get away from wanting more. I need to be content with what I have and be content with giving what I can offer.  
The kids here constantly want to include me and make me feel like a part of them, there is a constant stream of black chai and instruments being forced into my hands. I know they don't have much, but they'd give beyond what they can just to make me feel comfortable and happy. Meghan is much the same. She always wanted to make people feel taken care of and comfortable. In Korea she would make me food or refill my bus card before it had a chance to run out. She wanted her loved ones to feel loved, taken care of and content.
Had I not come here, I wouldn't have had that conversation about the song or noticed how giving these children are and then related it to Meg. Meghan is slowly, piece by piece putting my heart back together with these tinny realizations of who she is and what she meant to myself and others. In my one backpack, I have more than I need to live and feel content. Get rid of what you don't need and give what you can, the benefits you reap far outweigh the junk you're keeping.  

Delhi

I cannot begin to explain how completely excited I am. This all feels so overwhelmingly right and perfect and if ever I felt Meghan's presence, it is here and today. It is hot, sticky, the roads are packed with all manner of motorized transportation and everyone is honking, but it's so right. I walked into the coffee shop and they were playing Queen. Not just any song, but Bohemian Rhapsody. If you don't understand why that's perfect you should stop reading and we shouldn't be friends.

 I wish I could somehow turn text into video or at the very least audio. This is so strangely wonderful.  The trash man, at 7 in the morning sings about picking up your garbage like it's a call to prayer. There's pigeons making that weird cooing noise that normally fosters disgust (and probably still should as I'm sure they're every bit as dirty here, as on the east coast) outside every window.

Speaking of windows, two dudes just climbed out the restaurant window onto the roof. What?! I'm in love with this. So many moustaches and deep boatneck t-shirts. Delhi could easily be the new Williamsburg. (joke, see boat-neck reference.)

Also, my meal just cost $1.20.

I spent the rest of the day walking around Parliament, outside the presidents house and Old Delhi. It was hot. Did I already say that? That it's really, uncomfortable hot. I haven't stopped sweating. I feel like when it rains in Delhi its not actual rain, it's just everyones collective evaporated sweat coming back down. It's just so thick and muggy and kind of gross feeling.

Old Delhi is really intense. It's packed with people and noisy. The streets are noticeably narrower and noticeably dirtier. This is my first encounter with the homeless and the hustlers. A lot of people are trying to sell you something or get you to give them something. There were kids wearing either tops or bottoms, but not both and some wearing nothing. It's startling and filthy but still happy? It's not instrusive so much when they ask for money or offer a ride, I understand why they're doing it. There isn't much else for an illiterate ten year old without a provider to do. You can't help but be affected.

It's hard to imagine or believe sleeping on the ground next to a goat that gets the cot, or under a tarp next to the road amidst the trash and throngs of people.  I need to clarify both trash and throngs. Trash is not cigarette butts or half a newspaper. I mean TRASH. The parking lot literally looks like a dump (side note, the taxi drove down stairs to get there!). It's unpaved and is literally, garbage. Food trash, paper trash, waste trash, rotting and nauseating trash. And throngs; Imagine an Asian subway where people are packed, forcefully, into each car. Imagine that with temperatures in the 90's and nearly 100% humidity, with constant honking and yelling and seemingly no order to the direction or flow or people and traffic.  It feels insane and so very, very alive.

People are generally happy and nice. Kids ask for money and when you say you have none they ask you to take their picture instead. You say no to rickshaw rides at most 3 times and then they pedal off. Well, they pedal forward 3 feet then are stuck again in the traffic. The traffic is mind-blowing and somewhat terrifying. There's lanes and signs which are apparently nothing more than mere suggestions. Two lane roads usually have four cars across. Traffic is composed of motorbikes constantly weaving in and out, the 3 wheeled 'autos' that are like a covered tricycle mopeds, compact cars and vans, huge trucks, cattle carts, buses, and yes, the errant elephant ( I have proof). While all of this is happening, there are also people running out into traffic to cross the road and somehow, there aren't accidents. None. The closest I came to any sort of a bump was when a rickshaw rested it's front wheel on the back of the auto I was in and I felt a slight nudge. Everyone just has this innate sense of how things work I guess and is magically hyper-aware of what everyone else is doing. It's seriously scary to someone accustomed to lights and signals and lanes and mirrors, but after a couple of minutes you get over it, or maybe just give in and see it as entertainment.

After Old Delhi, I went to the arch commemorating the soldiers who fought for the British during the first world war and hung out for an hour or so before heading back to my friends house, for a much needed shower (very, very much needed) and then nap.

Meghan would have, no doubt, felt as overwhelmed as I do. There is so much to process here. In one day so much. I could hear Meghan talking about how cute the little kids in their school outfits were, packed 8 to a rickshaw built for two. Or her suprise at a cattle cart being stuck in traffic alongside cars or the elephant lumbering down the road with motorcycles zooming all around it. And the hissing monkey! She would've lost it! It's sad that I'm doing this alone sometimes. But, I do feel at peace with this leg of my journey. I know why I'm here and I'm excited to learn. Someone asked me yesterday why she wanted to come to India and I didn't know. I don't know. That's why I'm here. I'm trying to figure that out and learn more about her. By coming here and feeling her reaction to the things I'm experiencing, I'll understand.  I know she wouldn't have expected it to be the way that it is. Some things would've shocked and appalled her. I know how much she loved Indian food and how exciting it would've been for her to have the real thing. It's fantastic, really fantastic. I'm so excited about this whole process of learning and experiencing and taking her with me to all of this. She is constantly teaching me and urging me to be better and more through all of this. I can't wait for what's next.

The Spark

I'm excited. I feel very much that this is the right thing for me to be doing. It's already been a long journey getting to this point and I have so much longer to go. I can't thank you all enough for how much you've done for me. It means so much to mention be able to do this for Meghan. I know she would be happy and proud of all that's happened so far. This feels like a really huge step for me. This is the beginning of something huge and important and I'm only looking forward to everything I'm going to learn. In the last 4 months I've come to understand who I am an what I'm supposed to be doing with my time. Meghan set all of that in motion by inspiring myself and so many others. I hope none of you take what you have for granted. The point of us being here is to improve things. To make things better for all of us. Meghan in far too short a time managed to better so many and encourage countless others to do good things. Make sure you are working towards a positive impact in whatever it is you are doing. My job is to carry that message and to share Meghan's legacy. To make a lasting and positive impact everywhere I go.

vlog #1

Safety

The trip started today and I feel like I better understand the path that I'm now on. I was really scared up until the time that I actually left. Until I started in a direction. All that apprehension has somehow been replaced with purpose and understanding.  I get where I'm going and how long it may take and I am ok with that. I’ve found comfort. I cant explain it, the realization, but I know its there. Its ok for me to be sad, happy, depressed, scared, excited etc. etc. It’s ok for me to feel anything that I'm feeling. Meghan showed me who I am, the strength that I possess and what I am capable of. I will be ok because of her.

This, all of this, is going to get huge. Meghan has so much to tell future generations and I wont stop until there is a record, a very permanent record of what she has shown us about living life. We have a lot to accomplish still together. And we will.

It’s hard to watch the world continue on without you or refuse to slow despite how badly you need the break. I think it’s important to not be crippled by that. It’s important to keep moving, to pick a direction and go. You may not be sure it’s the right one but at least it's not where you were. At least you're  not in the same sad place, not trying to make things better for yourself. Movement is healing. It’s better to be out searching for the right path than to be stuck without one.

I am actually doing it. After all the planning and stressing and talking, it is underway. I do feel alone but I feel great to be alone. Unafraid and ready (I might regret saying I feel ready later on) to start actually doing these things for Meghan. The more I move, the more is accomplished. It's amazing that all of this is sort of unfolding in front of me because of her, amazing and reassuring. I think a lot of you were right in that I might not need some otherworldly encounter to know she's still part of me. The fact that this is happening and will continue to grow because of her and how she affected others should be proof enough.  Meghan doesn't want us to stop. She doesn't want us to complete a goal and get complacent. There is always more, there is always better, there is always up.

It's important to continually challenge yourself to move on, and do more. At the very least, to move forward. I feel ok with where I am right now. I feel ok with what I’m doing and where I’m going. This is a good path and Meghan would be happy with the progress I've made in her name.

knot

I started a week ago driving from Detroit to Meghan’s cottage in Tobermory, Ontario. Its without a doubt not getting any easier the further I get from Meghan. The cottage is absolutely her favorite place on earth. It’s where she went to recoup and relax, to sort things out and to spend time with family. We spent every one of her birthdays there as long as I knew her and I’m fairly certain, every single one before I knew her. It was also where we were going to have our big wedding ceremony and reception. I knew what I was getting myself in to by going up there, but I also knew the pain would be slightly buffered by having our close friends with her family and mine this past week. None of this is getting any easier.

We spent the weekend doing things Meghan would’ve wanted to, playing board games, canoeing, drinking and talking. Saturday was the hardest. That was supposed to be the day of our ceremony. I spent as much energy as I could trying to keep my mind occupied and not think about it. I can’t decide what hurts more, to avoid thinking about something you know is there or to fully accept it for what it’s supposed to be. To pretend that everything is normal and that Saturday didn’t mean anything because it’s just another Saturday, or to take it head on. Go and sit under the tree where Meghan kept her hammock and where the ceremony was going to be. Let my imagination go and think about how she would’ve looked or how the day would’ve gone. I chose the former although im not convinced it was the wisest choice.

We went into town and wandered around for a bit, took pictures and in general tried to enjoy ourselves. We went to the lighthouse and saw a couple taking wedding pictures with all of their friends dressed up and milling around. That was pretty hard to see. Being jealous of people’s happiness is a strange thing to go through. It felt unfair. It still feels unfair that Meghan never got to be that girl having her picture taken in her amazing dress. I hate that I couldn’t make that happen for her somehow.

For me the trip took a nose-dive after that. It was so much fun and so great to have our friends there, but I couldn’t get over why we were there and what that week was supposed to mean. Everything hurt. Everything I do reminds me of, or makes me think about Meghan. I miss her so much. I want so badly to feel her next to me or just to hold my hand. I would give an appendage or any possession just to know and feel that she is still here in some capacity with me. So many friends and family have these experiences where they’re convinced the animal or butterfly or star is Meghan signaling to them that she’s still here, still a part of all of this. I would literally give anything for that. Just to feel and know in my heart that tie isn’t broken because
she isn’t physically here anymore. Anything. I don’t want to lose her or forget the small things about her that no one else knows. I want to stay attached. I want a deer to walk out of the woods and put something in my hand or for once in my life have a dream that I remember or one that has meaning where Meghan tells me something important. I’d love to believe in any and all of this. I’ve looked for reasons to believe this, but nothing happens ever. I still sleep poorly. I don’t have dreams that I remember. I don’t have amazing encounters with wildlife or nature or people. Everything continues as it was. I waiver between being depressed and trying to pretend that I’m fine and don’t feel anything.

All of the friends left late Sunday and I spent the rest of my time doing things alone. I went for a really great hike that I did two years before with Meghan and her family to a secluded swimming spot. It was definitely refreshing mentally and not altogether sad. Its hard coming to terms with being alone. Its like these things we used to do are somewhat nice but don’t really bring me any closure or closer. I have to move forward and move on to come to any sort of
rationalization of everything that happened. If I stay where I am, or where I was, Ill never be able to deal with it all.

I left the day before Meghan’s birthday mostly because I was scared to be at the cottage for it. I knew I couldn’t handle her not being there, not waking me up in the morning to play scrabble with her or giving her presents or having her grandmother sing her happy birthday. That’s been the hardest part, the things that should be. The big and the small that Meghan should still be here for. We spent her birthday doing things that she liked to do around St. Catharine's; exercising, drinking gin 'n tonics, hiking, Japanese food, her favorite pub and then going to bed early. It was somehow easier to not be sad there. The place was still full of memories of and with her, but this was easier than the cottage. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is.


I left the following morning to drive to New Jersey to pick up a friend and then head down to my home in DC. I felt like a character in a Kerouac book. A seemingly random long list of events and people that blur together and never lose speed. It just keeps going. This is endless. The world keeps going. It never slows down because of how sad you are or how awful something that happened to you is. You don’t get breaks. You can’t rest. Fighting the current only makes you want to give up, it makes it all seem hopeless and worthless. You have jump in headfirst and without a paddle. I think Meghan understood this and that’s what kept her going. She knew slowing down, stopping, or wallowing in despair would only wear her out and keep her from her
goals. She didn’t stop because she knew going against the grain was worthless in this respect. It's important to embrace these seemingly impossible things in life. It's important to set your sights well beyond what you think you’re capable of accomplishing. Achieve a goal and make the next step twice as big as the first. Don’t save any energy for the return trip. There might not be one.